Look After You
by TandyHard
Summary: My version of how Katniss and Peeta rekindled their friendship and "grew back together." A bit different in the way characters show up. COMPLETE
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is my first Hunger Games fic. Please Read and Review. Thanks!**

**I do not own The Hunger Games.**

As I look out the window of the train I think about Prim, and how I wish she were leaving the Capitol with me. But I guess in a way, she already left.  
>I think about my mother and I feel a tinge of anger and resentment at the fact that she refuses to go back to District 12, our real home. But those feelings quickly disappear and are replaced by pity and understanding. How can I expect her to go back to all those memories of my father and Prim? I'm not really even sure why I'm going back, there's nothing for me there. Everyone I love is gone; everyone I care about is elsewhere. I am alone.<p>

I am greeted by, an almost sober, Haymitch at the train station. I'm surprised to see him. I knew he'd returned to District 12 but I hadn't expected him to be waiting for me when I arrived.

"Hey there, sweetheart. Been a while" he says

"What are you doing here Haymitch?"

"Came to pick you up, what else?" I notice the bag in his hand. It's full of glass bottles.

"Me or your dear bottles?" I ask motioning towards his bag.

"Might as well kill two birds with one stone, girl." He tells me simply.

"How did you know I was arriving today?"

"The shrink called me. Told me to keep an eye on you"

"Hmm"

He grabs one of my suit cases and begins walking

"Let's get movin I assume you're tired from the trip."

I don't respond but he's right, I'm exhausted.

"How's your boy doing?" he asks me.  
>I am taken aback by his question.<p>

"What makes you think I know?" I say a little irritated.

I haven't seen or spoken to Peeta in months. Last thing I heard was that Dr. Aurelius was trying some sort of new therapy on him, to help with the flashbacks. I have no hopes of it working; I have no hopes of ever seeing him again.

I feel my face flush when I realize Haymitch never mentioned Peeta's name and he could have been talking about Gale.

Haymitch is staring at me.

"What?"

"Nothin', guess your therapy didn't fix your attitude, seems to me it made it worse"

"Therapy won't fix the fact that my sister is gone." I snap.

He stops trying to make conversation and we walk in silence until we arrive at the Victor's Village.

He brings my bags in and starts to say something but I am already walking up the stairs and ignore him. I walk into my room and lie down on my bed.

The house is quiet and I start to feel the loneliness I've been ignoring since I decided to return to District 12.

I start to drift to sleep with thoughts of Peeta and Gale, and the conversation I overheard so long ago.

"_Katniss will pick whoever she thinks she can't survive without"_ I hear Gales voice in my mind.

Turns out that decision was made for me. I'd have to survive without either of them. One has been hijacked and the other is partly responsible for my sister's death. I could do just fine by myself. And with that thought I finally drift off to sleep.

The weeks go by slowly. Sometimes I lie in bed all day. Sometimes I get up and make my way to the couch where I proceed to sit all day.

At first Haymitch makes it a point to check on me every once in a while, but he stops doing that, maybe because I'm always either rude or unresponsive, but probably because he's too busy getting drunk.

My phone rings often but I seldom answer it. I don't want to talk to any body, and most of the time I know it's Dr. Aurelius calling. He won't leave me alone, that's all I want, to be left alone.

Greasy Sae has begun to stop by with her granddaughter; I suspect Haymitch talked to her about making sure I eat. She cooks and I sit in the living room staring at the ceiling or watching her granddaughter play.

"You could turn on that TV, Katniss," she tells me one day as she's setting the table.

"I don't want to watch anything" I dismiss her idea quickly.

"Need help with anything?" I ask her. And she tells me no.

At first we don't talk but as the days go by and our routine begins to set in, we start having small conversations. She updates me on the whereabouts of people I used to know. And when I ask if she knows where Gale is, she tells me he's in District 2. I nod and continue eating.

Greasy Sae encourages me to get out of the house and go hunting. But I don't have the strength yet. I do begin to venture out of the house more often, mostly to walk around my yard or sit on my porch. And one day I even get the courage to go back to what's left of the Seam, my home. I can only stay for a few minutes before the memories begin to flood my mind and tears are threatening to escape.

The sun has begun to set as I walk home and I am about to open the door when I notice a light come on in the house next door.

I become angry at the thought of someone entering Peeta's home without permission.

As I near Peeta's house I can hear someone moving about inside, there's a loud noise and I assume the intruder is in the kitchen and has just dropped some pots and pans. I turn the doorknob; it's unlocked. I make my way to the kitchen trying not to make noise so I can catch the trespasser in the act.

I walk into the kitchen expecting to see one of the town children snooping around, but instead I find myself staring into a pair of blue eyes.

"Hello, Katniss" he says smiling.

_Peeta._

He looks healthy, and I notice a hint of a spark as he says my name, just like before. It's as if I've traveled back in time to before he was hijacked. I've missed that Peeta. I want to run to him and throw my arms around him. I want to ask how he's been and when he got back. But I am frozen. I cannot move, much less utter a single word.

Then it hits me, the fact that this is the Peeta with scars all over his body, with an unstable mind.

I don't know if I'm angry or sad, surprised or happy, but I feel stupid as my vision begins to blur. I am clenching my fists, digging my nails into my palms, trying my hardest to hold back tears. I turn around abruptly and walk out of his house without saying a word.


	2. Chapter 2

**_A/N: Here it is, Ch. 2. Hope you like it. Please Read and Review. (Also I try to edit as much as I can, but I'm not perfect so excuse any typos or grammatical errors I may have missed.)_**

**_I don't own The Hunger Games._**

I don't realize how fast I am walking until I open the door to Haymitch's house with a slam. He is passed out on the couch in front of his TV, a bottle of god-knows-what still in hand. I waste no time, walking straight to the kitchen and filling a bowl with ice-cold water.  
>"What in the hell" He says jumping up after I dump its contents.<p>

"Were you planning on telling me that he was coming back?" I scream at him.

"Sweetheart, you are lucky I do not hit women." He tells me.

"Answer my question!" I say throwing the bowl at him.

"I thought the Shrink might have told you. What's it to you anyway? Last time I asked about the boy, you could not wait to change the subject."

His response does nothing but make me even angrier.

How dare he imply that I don't care about Peeta! I feel my face getting hotter and hotter as I fight the urge to punch him.

"You should have told me!" I say punching his wall before I run out his house.

It's morning and I don't know how I got to my room or how long I have been sleeping.

The night before is a blur, which makes me think I dreamt up the whole thing. I realize I'm drenched in sweat; I must've had a nightmare.

There's a sound outside. A shovel scraping against the ground, this sound makes me recall my nightmare and I put my hands to my ears to try to drown it out. But it doesn't stop and I start to think I'm going crazy. I get up from my bed and walk outside to find _him_ again.

He's got a shovel in his hand and is digging holes on the side of my house. I notice a wheelbarrow holding some small pathetic looking bushes.

"Hey" he says and I am frozen again.

It turns out last night wasn't a dream after all. I feel a throbbing pain on my hand and realize it's bruised. I guess punching a hole in Haymitch's wall wasn't a dream either.

"What are you doing?" I ask him.

"I'm planting these…for her" he motions toward the tiny bushes that sit on and it dawns on me that they are rose bushes.

I nod and say nothing more as I walk back inside my house and take shelter in the comfort of my bed again. I feel my body shake with sobs and I wish I could stop them but I can't. I drift back to sleep and when I wake up again I don't know if it's dusk or dawn. I hear movement in the kitchen and assume Greasy Sae is here.

I don't walk downstairs right away. I make my way to the bathroom and stare at my reflection. I look at my scars and tug at my tangled mess of hair. I haven't taken care of myself in a long time. There are big bags under my eyes and my skin looks pale. I turn on the shower and step in. The water feels nice and soothing but the feeling is taken away as soon as I begin to think about Peeta and his primrose bushes. I feel guilty because I've barely said a word to him and he seems to be trying to reach me somehow. When I step out of the shower I brush my hair for the first time since I arrived and put it in a braid. I begin to look a bit like the old Katniss except for the large scars that cover my neck and face now. I wrap my hand because it's still bruised and throbbing, which tells me it may be broken.

When I finally make my way down the stairs I noticed that the TV has been turned on and Greasy Sae's granddaughter is sitting in front of it.

"Hope you don't mind but it was awfully quiet in the house." Greasy Sae tells me when she notices me.

"No, it's fine. Do you know how long I've been sleeping?"

"Well, I tried to wake you up a few times yesterday, but you wouldn't budge"

"So, a day?"

"More or Less," she is making some kind of egg scramble and I notice two loaves of bread on the counter.

"Where did you get this bread?"

"The Mellark boy brought it over last night"

"Oh"

She is eyeing me carefully as she tells me he seemed disappointed I wasn't around, and the guilt I felt earlier comes back. I hope she doesn't notice and I try to change the subject but she won't let me.

"You oughtta tell him thanks"

I only nod but have no intentions of seeking him out. I feel ungrateful and selfish but I simply can't face him again.

"I'm gonna need to take a look at your hand when you're finished with your food." She tells me noticing the bandages.

"It's nothing"

"Nothing? I saw the hole you punch in Haymitch's wall. That hand is probably broken" she tells me as she places a plate of food in front of me.

"You talked to Haymitch?"

"Yeah, he told me you threw a fit"

"I didn't throw a fit" I say irritated.

She doesn't say anything else and I am grateful I don't have to make conversation today.

After she leaves I receive a call from Dr. Aurelius. He encourages me to step out of my house every once in a while, which irks me because I had been trying until a two days ago when I saw Peeta. Now I'm afraid if I go out I'll run into him.

He notices the irritation in my voice and addresses it.

"What's bothering you, Katniss?"

"Nothing" I lie but I know it doesn't convince him.

"I can't help you if you don't tell me"

"Why didn't anyone think to inform me that he was coming back!" I ask sounding angrier than I thought I was.

"You would've known if you bothered to open your mail or answer the phone."

He's right. This is the first time I've talked to him since I came home. I have nothing left to say the rest of the time and for a while we sit there in silence until he finally gives up.  
>"Time is up, but please try to answer the phone more often, will you?"<p>

I tell him okay and I am about to hang up when I hear him speak again.

"Katniss, you're not the only one who lost everything. You at least have your memories; you know what's real. Peeta is still struggling with what happened to him. Be nice." Is all he says before the line goes dead.

His words linger in my mind for the rest of the day but I still make no effort to see Peeta. I do however, muster the courage to grab my hunting jacket and my bow and go into the woods. I only stay for a few hours; I don't catch anything, partly because I wasn't really trying to, but mostly because my hand is broken and though I'm ignoring the pain, my aim is off significantly.

I notice the lights are on at Peeta's house again and walk into my house quickly because I don't want to risk seeing him. My efforts are pointless because when I think I've dodged an encounter with him I find myself face to face with Peeta Mellark.

He is sitting on the couch playing with Greasy Sae's granddaughter.

I quickly walk to the kitchen where Greasy Sae is busy making dinner.  
>"What is he doing here?" I ask trying to keep my voice down.<p>

"I invited him over for dinner." She says nonchalantly

"Why?"

She notices the look on my face and I see her become annoyed. She has been so understanding and patient, so it comes as a surprise when she begins to scold me.

"I'm sorry Katniss, but you need to snap out of it. I'm glad you went out today but I guarantee you, you tried your hardest not to feel better. You need to stop that. Life is going on and it's gonna go on whether you like it or not."

She is not shouting but her voice is firm.

"I invited Peeta to dinner today as a thanks for the bread because I knew you weren't going to. Now wipe that scowl off your face and start acting like a grown up."

She's not being harsh; she's being truthful. I know I've been acting childish and selfish. Her words are exactly what I need.

I stand motionless and I feel my palms begin to sweat as I try to think of things to say to Peeta but nothing comes to mind.

Greasy Sae returns her attention to the food she is cooking when we hear her granddaughter scream.

"Grandma, something is wrong!" she yells from the living room.

I forget about the fact that I'm trying to avoid Peeta and follow Greasy into the living room.

Her granddaughter runs to us when we enter the room, she looks scared.  
>"Grandma what's wrong with him?"she asks.<p>

Peeta is standing in a corner, frozen. His pupils are so wide I can barely tell his eyes are blue; his jaw is clenched and it almost looks as if he is in pain. He is having a flashback.

"Peeta?" I finally manage to say his name out loud.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Here goes Chapter 3. Thanks so much for the reviews. They really encourage me to keep writing! I do realize I am being slow with developing Katniss and Peeta's relationship, but I think they need time to get reacquainted. **

**I don't own The Hunger Games.**

**Enjoy! Read and Review**

Peeta is now shaking and I try hard not to think about the last time I saw him like this. He notices I am approaching him and backs away from me. But I continue to get closer.

"Katniss don't!...Go away…" he tells me closing his eyes.

I can tell he is struggling, trying to decide if whatever memory he's just unearthed is real or not.

I grab his wrist with my left hand and pull him close to me. He flinches when I first touch him and for some reason that makes me want to cry. But I hold the tears back and place my bandaged hand on his cheek.

"Peeta…come back to me."

"You tried to kill me…" he begins to say through gritted teeth but I don't let him finish.

"I wanted to keep you alive. I never tried to kill you"

He opens his eyes and I see his pupils have begun to shrink.  
>We stare at each other until he calms down. I am still touching him and I pull away quickly when I realize he is back. I turn to look a Greasy Sae, and she takes notice of the pathetic scared look I know I have on my face. She clears her throat and asks us to set the table.<p>

Her granddaughter is still staring at Peeta. She still looks scared and she approaches him carefully. It is only then that I realize calling Greasy Sae for help was the only time I've ever heard her speak. It's not as if the girl is completely incapable of talking or learning or doing things for herself. But she spends so much time in her own world most people assume she's completely useless. She seems fond of Peeta and I wonder if he's known her for a while. Maybe the Mellark's used to feed her scraps of food just like people used to do around the Hob. The thought of Peeta giving someone else a loaf of burnt bread makes me angry.  
>"I'm okay now, honey." He is tells the young girl. She nods and follows her grandmother into the kitchen.<br>A strange feeling forms in my stomach when I hear him call her "honey." It dawns on me that what I'm feeling is jealousy. I feel ridiculous and focus on setting the table.

I remain quiet through dinner. Peeta and Greasy Sae talk about the reconstruction of District 12 and about how they've heard more and more people are planning on coming back. Their conversation makes me think about my mother. I haven't spoken to her in over 2 months but I have not allowed myself to miss her. I haven't allowed myself to miss Gale either. Greasy Sae once mentioned that she saw him on TV and she's even encouraged me to write to him, but I can't bring myself to do it. I still haven't forgiven him fully.

"…Katniss?" I hear Peeta's voice say.

I was so lost in thought I had not realized he'd been calling my name.

"I'm sorry, what?"

"I was asking if you'd like some bread."

"I…yes, thank you." I say grabbing a cheese roll from the basket he has placed in front of me. He begins to talk to Greasy Sae again and I get lost in thought once more.

When we finish dinner I tell Greasy Sae not to worry about the dishes.

"You cooked, I'll clean up"

"I'll help you" Peeta says and I try to tell him I'm fine cleaning by myself but he reminds me I have a broken hand and I probably really do need the help.

Greasy Sae bids us goodnight and her granddaughter gives Peeta a hug before she leaves.  
>And there it is that feeling again.<p>

Peeta and I begin to clear the table.

We take the dishes into the kitchen and after a couple minutes of awkward silence I hear his voice.

"You haven't been taking care of the roses…"

"You just planted them a few days ago," I tell him.

"They've been through a lot…I took them from their home and gave them a new one in your yard. They need a lot of attention."

I don't have anything to say. So we become silent again and by the time we are ready to dry the dishes I think he's not going to speak again. But I'm wrong.

He has a sad look in his eyes and I'm afraid of what he will say next.

"Katniss…you can talk to me, you know…about Prim. I know you miss her." I drop the plate that I'd been drying and it shatters on the floor.

I begin to pick it up instantly, breaking eye contact with him. He kneels to the ground and begins to help me.

"Katniss…"

"Stop…"

"Katniss…"

"Peeta, just drop it okay, I don't want to talk about Prim." I tell him.

"What do you want to talk about then?"

I shrug because to be honest I don't really want to talk at all but I've just remembered the stern look greasy say gave me when she reprimanded me earlier. So I decide not to dismiss his efforts right away.

"Dr. Aurelius says I've made a lot of progress," he begins.

"You're still having flashbacks though" I point out.

His face falls and I realize what I've just said. I've never known how to be tactful.

"Katniss, what happened to us?" he asks me after another long awkward silence.

"You forgot…" I whisper bitterly.

I immediately wish I had answered differently. It's not his fault he lost his memories, if anything it's my fault for not keeping him close during the Quarter Quell.

"Do you think we can ever get back to how it was before?"

I don't want to lie to him. I wish I knew for certain if we will one day be friends again but I don't, so I tell him the truth.

"I don't know."

He nods. But I hear the disappointment in his voice when he speaks again.

"Well. Thanks for dinner"

"It was Greasy Sae's idea"

"Yeah…well thanks anyway." He says as he turns to leave.

"Thanks for the bread!" I manage to get the words out as he begins to open the door, and it stops him in his tracks. He turns to face me again.

"I can bring you some more tomorrow." He offers.

"You don't have to"

"I know, but I want to."

I wait for him to leave but he doesn't move. He wants to say something but hesitates as if he is trying to gather his thoughts.

"You know, Katniss. I may have lost my memories, but I've recovered a lot of them." He says and I feel him getting closer.

"Yes, I still have flashbacks, and sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night hating you. But most of the time I wake up _missing_ you."

I am looking down because my vision has begun to blur and I don't want him to see me cry.

"You still have no idea of the effect you can have." He whispers.

"I know it was never real for you. What we had."

I feel a pain in my chest when the words leave his mouth. I've been so unfair to him.

"I know your heart belonged to Gale, but I never cared…your friendship was enough."

He sounds like his old self. He is having no trouble picking the words to say.

"…I don't know what you want from me." I tell him.

"I just want a chance to be your friend again." He reaches for my hand and I let him take it.

I wipe the tears that have managed to escape with my bandaged hand and finally look up.

"I can't promise, anything."

"Just let me try, please"

There's so much sincerity in his eyes that I can't deny him this simple request.

I nod and a huge smile forms on his face. It's the first time since he arrived that I've said something to make him smile.

"I'll see you tomorrow" he grabs the back of my head and presses his lips to my forehead.

I'm taken aback by his gesture and he notices it.

"I'm sorry. I won't do it again if it made you uncomfortable."

"It's not that…I just… See you tomorrow, Peeta" I choke out.

He gives me another smile and walks out of the kitchen.

I wait until I hear the door close to make my way to my room.

I wake up from a nightmare in the middle of the night. I lie still and try to go back to sleep but something Peeta said keeps me awake.

"_I know it was never real for you. What we had."_

I don't know why his words have made such an impression. I'm almost angry with him for saying what we had wasn't real, but he's only pointing out the truth.

_I know your heart belonged to Gale."_

A long time ago it may have, I'm not even sure myself. But it doesn't today; I am too broken, too damaged.

I doubt my heart will _ever_ belong to anyone. Not after everything I've been through.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: FINALLY! It took me so long to update because I have a scattered mind and actually ended up writing a lot of chapter 5 before I wrote this. Sorry for the wait! Thanks for all the reviews, please keep them coming I love knowing what you think. **

**Also, I know this isn't exactly how Buttercup shows up in the book, and at first I wasn't going to have him show up at all...but I decided to work it into the story. **

**Once again...I don't own the hunger games. And excuse any typ****os/grammatical errors I may have missed!**

**Enjoy!**

Peeta spends the next week making sure we have enough bread to feed a small army. Seeing as my hand is still pretty banged up and I can't hunt, we have to rely on ordering meat and eggs from the supply train every two weeks so Greasy Sae really enjoys having the bread to go with her dishes.

I haven't witnessed one of Peeta's flashbacks since the first time he had dinner with us. He seems to be doing better and it's probably because he actually picks up the phone when Dr. Aurelius calls, and takes his pills regularly. Dr. Aurelius rewards him by sending him art supplies and tools and ingredients for decorating cakes. I wonder if I would get a reward for actually keeping up my telephone appointments. Peeta immediately begins to use his art supplies and it surprises me that after all he's been through he can still paint.

One night after Peeta leaves I walk outside to water the primrose bushes. I hear muffled meows and when I look closer I see a pair of ugly yellow eyes staring at me from the bushes._ Buttercup_. I'm convinced I am hallucinating so I close my eyes and bring my hands up to cover my ears trying to make the cat go away. Buttercup keeps on meowing and the more I try to drown out the sound of his wild cries, the louder he gets. When I open my eyes again I see the cat is at my feet staring up at me. I tell him to go away as I begin to cry. I tell him Prim is gone forever and isn't coming back. That there's nothing for him here, and before I know it I am kneeling on the ground and the cat is in my arms. I take Buttercup inside and feed him the scraps that are left from tonight's' dinner. I make my way to bed with Buttercup meowing behind me.

"Go away!" I tell the cat.

"She's dead! She's not here!" I am now screaming.

My vision is blurred with tears and I end up curled up on the floor at the foot of my bed sobbing as Buttercup cries and meows next to me.

The next morning I wake up screaming from a nightmare. Buttercup is startled and begins to hiss. I see him and realize he's really back. I immediately begin to sob remembering the nightmare that woke me. Peeta, who is already busy making bread hears my scream and comes running up the stairs. Buttercup hisses at him when he walks in. Peeta tries to shoo him out of the room but Buttercup doesn't leave my side and continues hissing. After a few moments Peeta picks the cat up and throws him out. I'm sitting up now with my head in between my knees. Peeta sits next to me on the floor and puts his arm around my shoulders. I'm startled by his touch and it only makes me cry harder.

"Katniss, what's wrong?"

"I know how it must feel for you" I tell him in between sobs.

I look up to meet his gaze and he looks at me with questioning eyes so I wait until I've stopped sobbing to elaborate.

"The feeling you get, when you have a flashback. Not knowing if something is real or not. In my nightmare. It was so real...Prim…she was a mutt and I had to kill her. I didn't want to but I had to. I killed Prim." I am sobbing again and he pulls me to his chest. Being in his arms brings back memories of the nights on the train when he would chase the nightmares away.

Peeta pulls me up and I end up on his lap, cradled in his arms like a child and in that moment I realize how much I've missed him. I drift off to sleep in between sobs but wake up as Peeta sets me down on my bed. He kneels down next to the bed and moves a strand of hair out of my face. He is getting up to leave but I grab his hand. I want to tell him to stay with me but nothing comes out. He gives my hand a squeeze and kisses my forehead before he walks out of the room.

I spend the next few days in bed. Peeta and Greasy Sae take turns checking on me and waking me up to make sure I eat. I feed most of my food to Buttercup who hasn't left my side.

"That girl is gonna be the death of you, boy!" I hear Haymitch's voice say and I don't know if it's a dream or he's really at my house. I conclude it must be a dream because his speech wasn't slurred.

I don't know how many days it's been when Greasy Sae comes in my room and opens the curtains to let the light in.

"Katniss, you best get up right now young lady. If you stay in that bed much longer you're gonna get bedsores. Get up!" she takes my covers and I pretend I'm still asleep.

"Don't make me get the water! Haymitch told me what you do to wake him up. Don't make me do the same thing to you!"

"I'm up" I sit up in bed.

"How long was I out?"

"Four days"

"Go take a shower, and come down to the kitchen when you're ready." She tells me as she walks out of the room taking my cover with her.

I lie in bed for a while before I finally make my way to my bathroom. I notice my protruding ribs and hipbones when I'm in the shower. It's the first time I am aware of my body and of the fact that I must look emaciated.  
>Greasy Sae's granddaughter is waves and smiles at me from her seat in the living room but that's the only friendly greeting I get.<p>

When I walk into the kitchen I find Greasy Sae is busy cooking but my mouth falls open when I see Haymitch standing there too.

"What the hell is _he_ doing here!" I ask outraged.

"Nice to see you too, sweetheart"

"Don't talk to me!"

"You're not still mad I forgot to tell you the boy was comin' back are ya?"

"Katniss! Stop being a child!" Greasy Sae is holding her wooden spoon up in the air and pointing it at me. She's scolded me before but she's never raised her voice at me.

"You are an adult now! _You are alive_!" she says frustrated.

"We put a hell of an effort trying to keep you alive, sweetheart. The least you could do is try and keep living." Haymitch says and I notice there's no slur when he speaks.

"I didn't ask anyone to keep me alive." I say bitterly.

"What right do you have to lecture me about wasting my life away anyway! You spend your days drowning in booze!"

"I ain't got anyone to make an effort for, sweetheart. I'm allowed to be selfish."

"In case you haven't noticed I have no one either. My mother deserted me; my little sister is dead. I have nothing left!"

"In case _you_ haven't noticed, Katniss, you have us. And there's a nice boy next door who spent two nights looking after you." Greasy Sae's words stun me and I become speechless.

I drop my gaze to the ground because I'm ashamed and it hits me that I haven't seen Peeta in days, except for the couple times when he tried to wake me up to eat. I suddenly remember Haymitch's words when I was drifting in and out of sleep.

"Where is he?"

Greasy Sae turns back to her cooking and I have the feeling there's something she doesn't want to tell me.

"Where is he? What happened to him!"

Haymitch doesn't say anything either, and their silence makes me anxious.

"It doesn't even matter…I'll go figure it out myself." I say but Haymitch gabs me by the shirt and pulls me back in the kitchen.

"You ain't going anywhere, sweetheart. Boy's in no condition to take visitors right now."

"Let go of me right now and tell me what happened to him" I am furious now and have the desire to punch Haymitch square in the face, but I hold back.

"He came down with a bad case of the flashbacks while you were having your little pity party. Found him clenching a knife in your kitchen. He cut his hands pretty bad. Blood everywhere."

"Why…why can't I go see him?" I asked confused.

"Shrink's orders. Apparently he's temporarily gone back to thinking you're the spawn of Satan. Though I don't blame him, I'm starting to believe that myself."

I glare at him before I walk out of the kitchen and towards my hardly used phone. I dial the number and within seconds I hear Dr. Aurelius' voice.

"It's Katniss," I begin.

"Ah Yes, I was expecting your call. How can I help today, Katniss?"

"When can I see Peeta?"

"Let's talk about you first."

"When can I see him?"

"Katniss, cooperate with me, and I'll cooperate with you. How are you feeling?"

I know he is not going to budge unless I answer all his questions first so I give in to his demands.

"Good, I guess."

"I heard you refused to get out of bed for a few days. What happened?"

"Nothing happened, I was just tired." I lie.

"Katniss, humor me. Why do you think you were in bed for so long?"

"I had a nightmare."

"I see you're still having those. Are you taking your sleep medication?"

"No! If I take those pills I can't wake up from the nightmares. It's ten times worse.

"Alright, alright, I'll have to find you a different medication. Was your nightmare about your sister?"  
>"Yes."<p>

"Have you talked to anyone about it?"

"I talked to Peeta about it when I woke up from it. He was there."

"Interesting. Did talking about it make you feel better?"

"What does that mean…'Interesting?' It was nothing he was there, I was upset and he asked me what was wrong so I told him."

"Alright, Katniss, focus on answering my question. Did it make you feel better?"

"Yes"

"You should try talking to him more often then. Seems to me you both could help each other out."

"I thought I wasn't allowed to see Peeta."

"You're not. Not right now at least. Wait until tomorrow. The flashback he experienced was stronger than all the others. It was hard to make him snap out of it because he wouldn't tell me what it was he remembered."

"What was it this time?" I ask.

"If he wants you to know he'll tell you himself."

When I finally get off the phone Greasy Sae, her granddaughter and Haymitch are all seated at the table waiting for me to start eating.

"So, what did the shrink say?" Haymitch asks.

"He says I can see him tomorrow" I tell him as I take a seat across from him.

"Good."

We eat our food in silence. When we finish eating Haymitch grabs a few rolls of bread to take home. He turns to me before he steps out.

"That boy needs a hell of a lot more lookin' after than you do, Katniss. It's about time you realize that."

Greasy Sae clears the table and I tell her to leave the dish washing to me but she refuses and tells me she's staying all day to make sure I don't go back to sleep. I keep myself busy helping her clean the kitchen and step outside for a while to take care of the primroses. We even go on a walk before it's time to start making dinner.

I tell Greasy Sae I'm not really hungry but she tells me I'm starting to look like a walking skeleton and makes me eat anyway. And after dinner she forces me to sit with her and her granddaughter while they watch TV. I stare at the ceiling until Greasy Sae is gets up from her spot on the couch.

"I'll be by tomorrow." She tells me before leaving with her granddaughter.

I sit in the chair staring off into space until I decide I'm not waiting till tomorrow to see Peeta. I'm trying to think of what I will say when I see him but decide it's pointless. I'm never good with words.

I walk in the house. It's dark and silent; Peeta must be in his room sleeping. I begin to make my way toward the stairs when the lights turn on and I see Haymitch sitting in the living room.

"Where do you think you're goin', sweetheart?"


	5. Chapter 5

**_A/N: Have at it! Thanks for the reviews. Hope you enjoy it! Ask me questions at setfiretotherainagain. tumblr. com (No spaces)_**

**_Hunger Games= Not mine!_**

"I had a feeling you'd show up"

I groan as he motions for me to take a seat.

"How'd you know?"

"You're stubborn as hell and bad at following orders, sweetheart. You're hardly unpredictable." He adds.

I sink in the chair across from him because he's right. He probably knew I wasn't going to wait to see Peeta as soon as I told him what Dr. Aurelius had said.

We sit in silence for a while and I'm half expecting Haymitch to pull out a bottle of liquor and get lit up while he sits guard.

"Why are you sober?"

"Because…you kids are always killin' my buzz." He says.

"If it's not you gluing your ass to your bed, it's Peeta losing his mind."

It dawns on me that it wasn't only Greasy Sae and Peeta looking after me, it was Haymitch too, still acting like my mentor, still watching out for me, and I feel a tinge of guilt.

"Sorry…about punching a whole in your wall"

"It's alright. Not like my house is in the best of conditions." He says referring to the many holes he's punched in the walls in his drunken rages throughout the years.

"I was actually surprised your fist didn't land on my face."

"So was I." I saw looking at my almost healed hand.

He lets out another chuckle.

"I didn't tell you the boy was coming back because I know you're still fragile, Katniss. I was gonna ease the news on you. I didn't expect you to see him as soon as he arrived."

"A little warning would've been nice is all" I tell him.

"Can I go now?" I ask after Haymitch and I run out of things to talk about.

"You can go walk your scrawny ass home. No way you're seeing him tonight."

"Fine, I will sit my scrawny ass in this chair until he wakes up and I can see him"

"Suit yourself, sweetheart."

I close my eyes and eventually fall asleep sitting in the chair. I don't know how long I'm out but when I open my eyes again I notice the sun is beginning to rise and I am greeted by the smell of coffee and liquor. Haymitch has a cup in each hand, he hands me one filled with dark liquid and I begin to sip the bitter drink. I catch a glimpse of the liquid Haymitch's cup and I come to the conclusion that the reason he isn't going through withdrawals is because he hasn't stopped drinking all together.

"You know, it's not true…" I say looking down at my cup.

Haymitch looks at me puzzled.

"That you don't have anybody. That's not true." I add.

"You're not alone either, Katniss, but you're too damn stubborn to see that sometimes. You're making it hard to keep you alive."

"I don't know what you want me to do. I can't just forget about everything that's happened and live happily ever after."

Haymitch begins to say something about me talking to Dr. Aurelius more often but he stops when we hear movement upstairs. I start towards the stairs but he grabs my arm and tells me to sit down while he makes sure Peeta is all right.

I'm anxious with anticipation and my mind is taken back to District 13, when news had broken that Peeta had been rescued and was in the hospital. I remember the anticipation I felt as I walked to welcome him home. I remember wanting to throw my arms around him, we'd been apart for so long and in my mind I had pictured this perfect reunion where I would throw my arms around him and he would squeeze me tight. But instead I had been greeted by a new version of him, a version that despised me, and he'd tried to kill me. The memory emphasizes the gaping hole in my heart and I have to remind myself to breathe before I completely lose it and do something stupid like start crying.

Haymitch reappears and tells me I'm free to go see Peeta.

I open the door to find Peeta lying in bed; it's the first time I've been in his room. It's almost identical to mine with the exception of the walls. His walls are decorated with pictures and paintings. I feel a chill as I enter the room and I notice his window is open, letting the cool morning breeze in. He sits up revealing a shirtless torso and a smile appears on his face when he registers it's me.

"Hello, Katniss."

"Hey" I say taking a seat on the edge of his bed.

My eyes scan his shirtless body; I've never seen the patches of foreign skin and the scars that cover his body, but looking at him I imagine this is what mine look like. Without thinking I place my fingers on the raised skin on his shoulder. He shudders as I run my fingers over his scars and I feel my cheeks burn when I realize what I'm doing.

"Haymitch told me you cut your hand pretty bad." I say dropping my gaze to the ground.

He nods and brings his hand up to look at it. He becomes somber and lays his head back down.

"What happened?"

"It was bad…the worst since the end of the war." He says quietly.

I wait for him to continue but he begins to shake and closes his eyes trying to calm himself down. It must be apparent that I'm worried because he grabs my hand and gives it a tiny reassuring squeeze.

"I'm fine." He tells me.

"It was a mixture of a real memory, and a doctored one." He adds.

"About me?" I ask and he nods.

I can see his pupils growing and shrinking rapidly as he tries to hold himself together, as he tries to stay with me. He squeezes my hand again, this time with so much force it becomes painful.

"You don't have to tell me if it's making you upset."

He closes his eyes again and lets go of my hand.

"I lied. I fabricated a pregnancy in hopes that they wouldn't make you go in the Arena for the Quarter Quell, in hopes the game makers would spare your life."

"Yes" my voice barely a whisper.

"The night of my flashback I was convinced you were really pregnant and had killed our unborn baby." his eyes are open again, his pupils no longer flickering.

"I hated you so much for killing our baby…"

"Peeta, we never…that's not real"

"I know. In the back of my mind I knew it wasn't real. I cut my hand to keep me from walking upstairs to kill you. The pain helped me focus a bit. Haymitch came over to check on you and found me. When he took the knife away from me it became harder to keep track of reality. He punched me, restrained me, force-fed me some sleeping syrup. I would've never forgiven myself if I'd done something to harm you." He says clenching his bandaged hand.

I grab his hand and place it between both mine to stop him from reopening the wound.

"I remember, back in 13, when I choked you. I have nightmares about it. You saved me during the first Hunger Games. You wanted to get me home during the Quarter Quell, and I…I lost my mind and tried to kill you."

There's so much shame in his voice and I don't know what to say to him to let him know I don't hold it against him, so instead I throw my arms around him and hold him close like he held me the day after Buttercup returned.

"I'm goin' home, boy. "

I let go of Peeta and turn to see Haymitch standing at the door with an obnoxious grin on his face. I don't know how long he has been there but the way he is looking at us irks me.

"Your bottles getting lonely at home?" I ask.

"Best not keep 'em waiting." He says chuckling and shaking his head.

"Take care of him, sweetheart," he adds before he turns to leave.

I think about calling out to him, to tell him not to go because I'm not sure I can take care of Peeta when a day ago I couldn't bring myself to leave my room. But my mind has been made up already, and it doesn't matter that my heart is a jumbled mess, or that I am still afraid of being alone with him because I never know what to say or how to act. I'm staying until Peeta feels better, because he did the same for me when I needed to be looked after. And because hat's what he and I do, we protect each other.

Peeta sleeps the rest of the day; I let him rest only waking him up to make him eat. Dr. Aurelius calls but Peeta does not have the energy to get out of bed so he asks for a rain check and promises to call when he feels better. Greasy Sae makes dinner at Peeta's house instead of mine and I crash on his couch when she leaves for the night. On the second day I find Peeta is already awake when I bring him breakfast. The bags under his eyes tell me he hardly slept and after he eats his food, he ends up going back to sleep. I watch him for a while, he looks peaceful, and if I didn't know any better I'd think he was a normal boy, whose dreams are not haunted by altered memories and violent images of war. Whatever peace he has found in his dreams is short-lived because a few minutes later he begins to shudder and wakes up with as start. He looks around the room, confused, takes a deep breath and when he sees me, he grabs my hand and gives it a squeeze. He whispers something to himself but the only thing I can make out is the word "Real."

The next morning I wake up to the sound of footsteps on the stairs. I see Peeta stepping into the living room and notice that the color has returned to his cheeks and the bags under his eyes are not as pronounced. He tells me good morning, I ask if he needs something he tells me no but grabs his art supplies and goes back to his room and I hear him close the door behind him. I assume he just needs time to himself. But an hour later he calls me from the top of the stairs and tells me he has a surprise for me. He hands me a rolled up piece of canvas and tells me to open it. When I do I find myself staring at a picture of my little sister. I know he means well but that doesn't stop the tears from coming.

"I didn't mean to upset you"

"No, I love it. Thank you" I tell him.

Later I ask Greasy Sae to stay and watch over Peeta while I go home and clean up. I call Dr. Aurelius from my house and for the first time in a long time, I open up to him on my own.

I tell him about Peeta's flashback, about my inability to keep myself from running my fingers over his scars. I tell him about Peeta's painting and the fact that he's captured every single thing my sister was. I confess that I'd forgotten the exact color of her eyes, and the dimple that formed on her right cheek when she smiled and how ashamed I am that I'd forgotten. He uses lots of terms I don't understand and suggests I start a journal write about my sister and the things I don't want to forget. He asks about my mother and Gale and I tell him I haven't spoken to either one and don't plan to anytime soon. Before he hangs up he asks to call again next week and I tell him I'll try.

When I return to Peeta's house, Greasy Sae tells me he ate dinner at the table with her and her granddaughter and that she watched him eat a bowl of potato soup and a piece of bread. She tells me leftovers are on the counter in the kitchen in case I get hungry and she bids me goodnight but before she leaves she places a hand on my shoulder and begins to speak.

"I've heard Haymitch talking about how you don't deserve that boy's affection, but I think he's wrong."

My eyes widen at her implications because I agree with Haymitch, I am selfish and broken, and Peeta deserves so much more than me.

"After all you've been through. You deserve to be happy"

There's a softness in her eyes and it reminds me of the way my mother used to look at people when she was mending their wounds. I don't know what comes over me but I throw my arms around the old woman, she strokes my hair and whispers comforting words.

"You survived for a reason." She tells me before she walks out of the house.

I lean against the wall and slide down until I hit the floor where I finally let out the sob that had been caught in my throat. I curse at myself for being so weak and breaking down again. There are footsteps on the stairs and I try to calm myself quickly because I don't want Peeta to worry about me when I'm supposed to be looking after him, but I end up crying harder. He rushes to my side and kneels in front of me. I look down trying to avoid his eyes, but he cups my face in his hands and lifts it up to meet his gaze.

"Katniss," the way he whispers my name sends chills down my spine.

His eyes stay on mine and I feel exposed, it's almost as if he can see right through me and the thought scares me. His face is so close and for a moment he looks like he might close the space between us and kiss me. Instead, he closes his eyes, presses his forehead to mine and lets out an exasperated sigh before he lets go of my face. He takes a sit next to me with his back against the wall.

"Do you want to talk about it?" the tone in his voice suggests he's expecting me to say no, so he can't hide the surprise in his face when I nod.

"I miss her. I miss her so much." I begin.

"Peeta, she was everything to me. I fought this war for her. It's not fair that I survived and she didn't. I should've died in the first hunger games. Maybe this war would've never happened. Maybe my sister would still be alive. And Cinna, Finnick, Madge and…your family."

"Katniss, don't you dare say that. You didn't start the war by yourself. That fire was already burning." He tells me.

"But I fueled it. I fueled it when I pulled out those nightlock berries. When I shot the arrow through that force field. " I tell him.  
>"If you hadn't someone else would've come along and fueled that same fire. Prim would be proud of everything you did. Thousands of people are free of the Capitol. Thousands of people are no longer starving, and worrying about whether or not they'll make it through another day. Thousands of people can sleep at night because their children won't be sent to an arena and be forced to slaughter each other." And there he is, the old Peeta whose words could always reach me in a way no one else's could.<p>

"How do you always know what to say?"

"I don't, I just tell you what I feel."

In between all my crying and his whispering comforting words I end up resting my head on his lap.

"I don't know how to do that."

"You just did."

I close my eyes while he begins playing with my hair.

"_I wish I could freeze this moment, right here, right now, and live in it forever."_ He says and I sit up facing him.

"You said that to me the day before interviews for the Quarter Quell. Real or not real?"

"Real" he says with a smile.

"You told me you'd allow it." He whispers.

"I wish I could've." The words are out before I have time to think about them and I am aware of the color rising to my cheeks but Peeta doesn't notice because he is not looking at me, he's looking at his bandaged hand.

"You know, you don't have to stay here tonight. I'm much better." He tells me.

"You looked after me, let me return the favor."

"Well then take one of the spare rooms." I comply because I know Peeta won't let it go until he knows I'll be sleeping in a bed, not his couch.

Peeta's house has two spare rooms just like mine and I take the one located down the hall from his. I leave my door open so he can call to me if he needs anything but for the second time tonight, it is me who needs comforting, not Peeta.

The nightmare begins with a pair of sea-green eyes. Finnick Odair is trying his hardest to fight off the half-lizard half-human creatures, but he is outnumbered and there I am watching as he is shredded to pieces by the mutts. I wake up screaming Finnick's name. I am disoriented and thrashing about, and when Peeta comes to me and in my confusion I manage to punch him in the jaw. He doesn't back off; he just wraps his arms around me tightly until I realize I am safe in District 12 and his grip on me loosens.

I apologize for accidentally landing a punch on his face but he waves it off saying he's fine and that it doesn't hurt.

"I don't think I'll ever be able to sleep through the night." I tell him frustrated.

"I gave up on that a long time ago." He whispers finally letting go of me completely.

"The only way I ever got a good night's sleep was with you lying next to me."

"Peeta…" I begin but he cuts me off.

"Things were different then, we thought we were going to die, you needed someone. I don't expect anything out of you now."

Peeta's words stab at my heart and I don't know what hurts more, the fact that he's implying I used him or the tone of defeat and disappointment in his voice.

The way he is looking at me, the way he's talking to me makes me wonder if he's finally decided to give up on me, the girl who was on fire but is now just reduced to embers. And as I think about him slipping away it hits me that I don't want him to give up, because even though I've been trying to ignore it, I miss the feeling of being close to someone. I miss being close to _him._ So after a while when he gets up to leave I do the only thing I can think of. I reach for him and pull him back toward me.

"Stay with me?"

His eyes widen with surprise and I wait for him to whisper the one word that will let me know if there's still hope, that he still has faith in me, and that he hasn't completely given up.

"Always" he whispers before he climbs in bed and wraps me in his arms, ready to chase my nightmares away.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: My sincere apologies for making you wait sooooooooo damn long for this chapter. I've been extra busy and writer blocked. I tried everything in the book to make myself write and all I could come up with was one or two sentences at a time. But thank god that's done with. Once again I tried to edit as much as I could so bear with me if there are mistakes (which I'm sure there will be since I kind of rushed the editing). I hope you enjoy this chapter and please don't forget to review!**

**I do not own The Hunger Games!**

Peeta's arms are still tightly wrapped around me and I don't want to move for fear that I will wake him, so I lie still until I feel him stir. I hear him say my name quietly, and my heart begins to beat so fast and loud I'm afraid he will hear it. He runs his fingers along the length of my arm leaving a trail of goose bumps behind. I feel the bed shift and seconds later I feel his lips grace my shoulder blade lightly before he gets up. I continue pretending I'm still asleep until I hear him close the door behind him. This is not the first morning I've woken up in Peeta's arms since I returned to District 12. It's not the second, or the third, or the fourth. Ever since the night I asked him to stay three weeks ago, I've found my way to Peeta's bed night after night. He doesn't seem to mind that I wake him up in the middle of the night, sometimes in hysterics after having a particularly bad nightmare. Night after night he welcomes me with open arms.

We don't talk about our arrangement, mostly because I try my hardest to avoid any conversation pertaining to the topic. I'm not ready to give what we are doing a meaning if there even is one.

When I finally make my way downstairs I find him in the kitchen, baking.

"Good morning, Katniss." I hear him say.

"Good morning." I tell him quietly.

"You're not staying for breakfast?" he asks when he notices I have my shoes and jacket on.

"Not today" I tell him.

Not today, not any day since we began sleeping together. My eagerness to leave as soon as I wake up might give him the wrong impression, but I'm sure sneaking out of his house before he is even awakes is not better. Waking up in Peeta's arms brings back memories and strange feelings I'm not ready to deal with.

"I think I'm going hunting today" I give him an excuse when I see his face fall.

"Oh, all right" he says with a smile I know is forced.

"Sae is supposed to stop by to make dinner tonight. It's been a while since we've had meat so I thought I'd surprise her." I tell him.

But the truth is I hadn't given hunting much thought until a few moments ago when I noticed the disappointment in his face.

"Good luck." He says before I step out of his house and make my way over to mine.

Loud meows greet me when I walk through the door. Buttercup is pacing back and forth on the kitchen counter.

"Hungry huh?" I ask the cat who responds with another meow.

I pour him a small amount of milk and look through my leftovers for something he can eat. When I finally feed him he thanks me with a couple meows before scarfing his food down.

I grab my bow and step out of the house as quickly as I can, hoping Peeta is still busy baking in his kitchen.

Buttercup follows me out meowing all the way into the woods.

"For God's sake cat. What do you want?" I ask once I find a tree to sit under.

Buttercup just stares at me, his ugly yellow eyes holding my gaze.

"Shoo…get!" I tell him trying to push him away but he doesn't budge and it makes me even angrier.

"What! Why are you looking at me like that?" I say in response to the accusing look I think I see in his face.

_Meow_

"I am not above shooting you with this arrow"

_Meow. Meow. Meow._

Each meow gets louder and I'm on the verge of losing it.

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" I say pointing my bow and arrow at him.

"Peeta and I are nothing. NOTHING. I don't HAVE to stay for breakfast!" I yell and I am grateful no one is around to see my outburst.

The cat scratches at my boot before turning around and heading back to the house.

"Stupid, ugly cat!" I say letting go of my arrow and shooting it straight into the spot where he was standing seconds ago.

I spend a couple of hours in the woods and my trip proves successful when I catch two squirrels and a rabbit. On my way back home I stop by Greasy Sae's to show her what I caught.

"Child, it's about time you got back out there. Bet you missed it." She says smiling as I hold up the rabbit.

She is right. I hadn't realized how much I missed hunting until today.

"I was wondering if I could just skin it here."

She gives me a look before nodding and showing me to the back yard.

She stands at the door and stares at me for a while before asking,

"You avoiding Peeta?"

I don't answer her question, which gives me away anyway, and she shakes her head.

"What happened? Things getting too serious between you two?"

I don't know what to make of her question but I just shake my head.

"Hmmm. I thought you guys were doing fine."

"We were…are. We are."

And there it is, that look she gives me when she knows I'm lying, it's somewhere between disappointed and disbelief. She shakes her head and walks back inside her house.

Greasy Sae comes back after a while with a glass of milk in her hand. She hands it to me and I thank her.

"So…you gonna tell me what's going on? Or are you just gonna keep pretending everything's peachy?" she asks after she unfolds one of her beat up lawn chairs and takes a seat.

"I…well Peeta and I…"

"Have been having sleep overs…I noticed."

I feel myself blush when she says this and I look away from her quickly, which makes her chuckle.

"Look, Katniss. It's nothing to be ashamed of…you're a grown woman…" she begins but I stop her.

"No…it's not like that. We keep each other company, nothing more."

She raises an eyebrow at me and I feel the color rising to my cheeks again.

"I guess…I'm just afraid he'll think it means _something_..." I confess to her.

"Then don't do anything to make him think it means something more than just keeping each other company." She tells me.

Her words run through my head as I walk home and I feel and pang of guilt in the pit of my stomach. My showing up in the middle of the night, begging for him to wrap his arms around me and chase my nightmares away could make him think just that, that there's something more.

I'm reminded of the train ride back from the first hunger games and the detached tone in his voice when he realized it had all been an act. I remember how much it hurt to suddenly lose all contact with him until the victory tour. And though he's never complained, never pushed the subject, I don't want to disappoint him again. My heart's a mess; I'm just as confused as ever.

When I walk in the door I notice the fresh bread that sits on the kitchen counter and my feeling of guilt intensifies when I see he's brought in my mail and left it next to the basket full of bread. I shuffle through the large stack of envelopes and a name jumps out at me. It makes my blood boil and I throw the letters in the trash without bothering to open them.

"Junk mail?" I hear his voice and it startles me.

"Sorry I didn't mean to scare you." He says.

"I just…I didn't hear you come in." I struggle to get the words out as I notice my heart is beating fast and my palms are suddenly sweaty.

"You left the door open" he says.

"Thanks for the bread" I say to break the awkward silence that begins to fall between us. It seems I'm always thanking him for something. _Thanks for the bread. Thanks for holding me at night. Thanks for not giving up on me. _And what does he have to thank me for? A broken heart, a fake leg, and lost memories.

"You left really fast this morning." He says.

It's not a demand for an explanation, just a statement with the power to make my guilt almost unbearable. I am trying to think of something to say. Something tactful but honest, but I fail to come up with the words.

"Did I do something? Is there a reason why you avoid me like the plague every morning?" he asks.

I shake my head, I'm afraid to say anything but he stares at me until I do.

"No…Peeta…you haven't done anything. It's me. I'm sorry." I tell him.

"You? What's wrong with you?"

I want to tell him that I'm confused. That I have some feelings I don't know how to handle, and that I don't want to get his hopes up or lead him on. But I don't.

"I've been having nightmares about your mother…" I tell him.

It's not a total lie. I have been having nightmares about his mother, that's what got me thinking about our arrangement in the first place.

He looks taken aback.

"About my mother?"

I nod. He looks at me with questioning eyes, waiting for me to continue my story.

"About the bread…do you remember? The first time you saved my life…"

"Yes." He whispers.

I notice the faraway look that has spread across his face.

"Peeta, I'm sorry…I shouldn't have brought it up"

"Please continue."

"It's just… in my nightmare, she beats you worse every time you mess up the bread. And you continue to give it to me. And I don't know why. And I just feel so guilty. "

"You know why. It's the reason I'd do anything for you. I love you" he looks lost in his thoughts but the words leave his mouth effortlessly.

I feel dizzy all of the sudden. It's the first time he's told me he loves me since he lost his memories to the tracker-jacker venom. He sounds so sure it scares me.

"Sorry…"

"It's okay…can we just…talk about something else?" I ask feeling a little uncomfortable.

He nods. We move to the living room where he sees my mess of papers on the coffee table.

"What are those?"

"Dr. Aurelius…he gave me homework." I tell him making him chuckle.

"Homework huh? Glad I'm not the only one he does that to."

He picks up a piece of paper.

_Rue._

_Age: 12_

_District 11._

_Dark Skin, small, brown eyes, swift, loyal, loving._

_Dead._

"Katniss, what's this?"

"I told you…homework." I tell him trying to avoid his gaze.

I begin to gather the papers but he picks up another one before I can get to it.

_Finnick Odair_

_District 4_

_Sea-green eyes, handsome, strong, intelligent, friend, caring, brave._

_Dead._

Peeta looks up from the page and hands it to me. I sigh when I notice he is still staring at me, waiting for me to explain.

"I'm supposed to write things I don't want to forget about people." I begin.

"Your painting…the one of my sister, it reminded me of the exact color of her eyes. I was starting to forget. I can't forget them, Peeta. They don't deserve to be forgotten."

"I could help you, you know. I could draw them for you. My memories aren't reliable, but I do remember lots of things now, and you could help with the ones that are blurry." He says.

This reminds me of my family's plant book and I tell him we could make the same kind of book, but about people. He smiles at my idea and says Dr. Aurelius would probably send us some nice parchment if we asked. I decide I will ask him next time I talk to him.

The evening goes by quickly as Peeta and I talk about nothing and everything and I'm glad I can feel at ease in his presence again. When Greasy Sae arrives she cooks up the rabbit in a stew and let's Peeta cook one of the squirrels to his liking.

Peeta and I make a trip to Haymitch's house where we find him wasted away on his couch. We try to wake him up and I almost have to resort to my water trick but Peeta tells me we should just leave him alone. We leave him a note next to a container full of stew and a basket full of bread.

Peeta doesn't stay too late tonight. He tells me he has some business in town early tomorrow. I want to ask what kind of business but I decide if he wants me to know he will tell me. Before he leaves he places a kiss on my forehead and I curse myself silently for allowing him to do things like that.

"There's something else bothering you isn't there?" he asks.

"I don't want to give you the wrong idea, Peeta."

"What?"

"Showing up in the middle of the night, letting you kiss me like that. I don't want to get your hopes up."

"Is that the real reason you've been sneaking out of my house before I wake up, avoiding me at breakfast?"

"Yes" I whisper, ashamed.

"Look, Katniss. I'm a big boy; I know you don't have the same feelings for me…"

"That's not true… I have feelings for you…I just don't know what they are." the words are out of my mouth before I can stop to think about them

"What?" his eyes are wide and I'm just as surprised as he is.

"It's all confusing. Sleeping with you makes it even more confusing."

He nods and gives me an understanding look.

"We're just friends, Katniss. Don't worry about giving me the wrong idea. Sometimes you need someone, and I need someone too. I understand if you want to stop sleeping together but you should know that my door is always open for you." He says.

"Okay" is all I can get out before he walks out the door.

His words are reassuring but I've already made up my mind. I can't sleep next to him until my jumbled mess of a mind is clear so tonight I'm staying in my bed; tonight I'm facing my nightmares alone.

**A/N: Why is Katniss always so confused! I don't know but I promise she'll stop being confused very soon. =)  
>Thanks for reading! <strong>


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: I wrote up the BIG scene of this chapter before I finished Ch.6 which is why I have it ready so quickly. I put a lot of effort into my writing but I feel like this chapter is my baby so I really really hope you like it! **

**Please let me know what you think by leaving a review!**

**Excuse any typos/grammatical errors, and remember I do not own The Hunger Games**

Not sleeping with Peeta is harder than I expected. This must be what it feels like to be addicted to something and then get it taken away. My nights are plagued with nightmares. I often wake up drenched in sweat, my throat sore from screaming at the horrors that haunt me in my sleep. Most nights I have to fight the urge to run to Peeta's house and ask him to hold me.

Though I don't seek Peeta out in the middle of the night we are beginning to fall into a routine. In the mornings I head into the woods, most days I don't catch anything but being out in the woods helps me relax. Peeta spends most of his mornings in town doing god knows what, and even though I've asked him he tells me it's a surprise and it drives me crazy because I don't like surprises. I even try to follow him one day but he catches me and makes me promise I won't do it again, and I keep my promise.

Today when I come back from hunting, the sky is gray, suggesting we might have our first spring storm and I shudder at the thought, thinking of the clock arena. I walk into my house to find Peeta busy baking.

"Why yes. You can use my kitchen whenever you like" I tease him.

"Thanks" he says lifting his eyes to meet mine.

He gives me a smile and returns to his work.

"You're not going to tell me what's wrong with your oven?"

"No." he says giving me another smile.

I sigh and let it go. I walk over to the counter and notice the stack of mail on it.

"You don't have to bring my mail in every time it arrives. "I tell him.

"I know. But I think you'd let it sit in your mailbox until it was full if I didn't, so it's not a problem."

He's right. I have no desire to open any mail, especially when half the time it's from the same person. I throw it in the trash without even going through it. Peeta looks up from the bread he is busy kneading and shakes his head.

"Guess you still don't want to talk to him…" he says.

I shake my head hoping he will drop the subject, but he doesn't.

"You could at least read his letters. You don't have to answer them." He says.

"Please, just drop it." I ask him, my voice sounding harsher than I intended.

He goes back to focusing on the bread he is making and I decide to go upstairs and shower.

I step into the shower letting the hot water soak my body. I start thinking about the letters and I let myself break. I end up sitting on the floor, hugging my knees as the tears begin rolling down my face and I try to stifle my cries because I don't want to alarm Peeta. The steam that has accumulated in my small bathroom makes it hard to breathe but I can't stop crying. I cry because the name on the envelopes reminds me of everything I've lost. I cry because I'm barely eighteen and I feel broken beyond repair.

"Katniss? Are you alright?" I hear Peeta's voice through the door, breaking me out of my trance.

I clear my throat before I shut the water off.

"Yes. Sorry. Lost track of time," I yell out.

I don't know how long I've been sitting under the hot water but if Peeta came to check on me, it must've been a while.

I stand in front of the mirror as I always do after a shower. I notice the bags under my eyes are more pronounced than usual, it doesn't surprise me. I also notice that my hair has grown in length and that my ribs and hipbones are no longer protruding. My breasts are beginning to fill out again and the color is returning to my cheeks. I look healthier, tired, but healthier. I wrap myself in a towel and step outside letting the steam out. Peeta is leaning against the wall by the door and I jump when I notice him, nearly dropping my towel.

"You scared me!"

"Sorry. I was worried, you were in there a while. I thought you'd drowned yourself."

"I take showers, not baths." I say matter-of-factly as I walk past him and into my room.

I take a seat on the edge of my bed and he stops at the door. He looks at me for a few seconds before he decides to kneel in front of me.

"You haven't been crying have you?" he asks cupping my face in his hands and wiping drops of water from under my eyes with his thumbs.

Tears begin forming in my eyes again as I lie and shake my head no.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have pressed the subject of the letters." He says softly, as if he is talking to a small child.

"You're just trying to help." I say looking away from him.

I manage to hold back my tears as he wraps his arms around me. It isn't until I notice my hair is dripping on his shirt that I realize I am wearing nothing but a towel. I feel the heat rise to my cheeks and I clear my throat awkwardly. He looks at me puzzled when he pulls away.

"Oh," he clears his throat too.

"I'm sorry. I'll let you get dressed." He says before walking out of my room.

When I finally come downstairs I find Peeta sitting at the dining table. He is focused on his drawing and doesn't look up when I sit in the chair next to him. He is drawing a pair of eyes. They look a bit like his, only older, with lines in the corners.

"Is that…is that your father?"

"Yes" he says as he continues to draw.

I decide to leave him to his drawing and grab a piece of bread before moving to the living room. I rarely turn on my TV but I don't want to fall asleep and there's not much else for me to do. I flip through the limited number channels available but nothing catches my attention, until I see him. His dark hair is cut short and I almost don't recognize him, but there's no mistaking those gray eyes. He looks serious but the fire and rage that used to drive him is missing from his face. The TV is muted and I can't bring myself to turn the sound on. I'm afraid of the effect his voice will have on me, I already let myself break once today, I don't want it to happen again.

"Is that…?" I hear Peeta call out from behind me.

He startles me and I turn the TV off quickly.

"Katniss…"

"Don't. I don't want to talk about him!" I say raising my voice at him.

"Having a lover's quarrel are we?" Haymitch is standing at the door.

He has a knack for showing up at the most unfortunate times.

"We don't have any liquor!" I tell him.

"Ouch, sweetheart. You hurt me. I ain't here for that."

"Well, you never come by unless you're out of liquor or bread. So which is it?"

"I'll have you know…Peeta invited me over for dinner."

I look to Peeta for confirmation and he nods.

"You're a bit early for dinner" Peeta says.

"I'm also out of liquor. You got any?" he says making Peeta chuckle, but I am not amused so I grab a pillow from the couch and throw it at him.

Haymitch successfully dodges my pillow and grabs a piece of bread before he takes a seat on the opposite end of my couch. He seems more sober than usual but he still reeks of white liquor.

"What's got you in a bad mood, sweetheart?" He asks me but I ignore him.

When Greasy Sae arrives I get up instantly and insist on helping her. She doesn't refuse me and we leave Peeta, Haymitch, and her granddaughter in the living room. They entertain themselves by watching TV, and I catch myself listening for the voice I was so afraid to hear earlier, but it never comes.

Dinner goes well, Haymitch is on his best behavior and I suspect it's because he really is out of liquor and he knows Peeta has hidden some from him.

"How's your bakery coming along, boy?" Haymitch asks.

I look up from my food and give Peeta a questioning look.

"What bakery?" I ask confused.

Peeta sighs and gives Haymitch a disapproving look.

"Surprise!" he says faking enthusiasm.

"Ooops…" Haymitch says chuckling a bit.

"is that why you were upset, sweetheart? Because lover boy was keeping secrets from you?" he asks.

Peeta blushes and Greasy Sae shakes her head trying to hold back a smile.

"I wasn't keeping secrets! It was going to be a surprise!" Peeta objects.

I can't tell whether I'm embarrassed or angry but my face is hot and I am staring at my food.

"Peeta loves Katniss?" Greasy Sae's granddaughter, who almost never speaks, picks this moment to chime in.

By now I am sure my face is beet red and I am so embarrassed I decide to give up on eating and get up from the table.

As I walk into the kitchen I hear Peeta whispering to Haymitch.

"Good going, Haymitch."

"No body told me it was supposed to be a surprise" Haymitch responds in what he probably thinks is a whisper but I have no trouble hearing.

I hide out in the kitchen going through the things in my refrigerator, rearranging my pots and pans, and doing dishes. Greasy Sae offers to help me but I tell her no and she and her granddaughter leave. Haymitch sticks around until Peeta gives in and hands him a bottle of liquor we stashed away in case he runs out. Haymitch going through withdrawals is worse than Haymitch drunk.

When Haymitch leaves, Peeta brings in the last of the dirty dishes and I begin to wash them

"Sorry about that, you know how Haymitch can be…" says Peeta.

"It's alright. I'm sorry he ruined your surprise." I tell him.

He smiles at me and begins drying the dishes I just washed.

"So that's what you've been doing in town every morning?"

"Yes. Dr. Aurelius approved me for it and helped me get a business permit. He sent it last week. I had already found a place I wanted to rent, I was just waiting for the permit to go through."

Peeta's face lights up as he talks about the bakery and it reminds me of the way he used to light up before, when he talked about working at his family's bakery.

"You seem happy." I tell him.

"I am. I haven't had a flashback in over a month, and I've gotten a lot of my memories back." He says.

I don't say anything else as we finish drying the dishes and begin putting them away.

"Are you?" Peeta asks as he puts away the last plate.

"What?"

"Happy. Are you Happy?" his question takes me by surprise.

I haven't really thought about it. Am I happy? I think of this afternoon in the shower, of the face on the TV, of my mother and my sister and decide that No, I'm not happy.

"Happy? No." I tell him honestly and his face falls.

"But I'm glad to be alive" I add.

It's the first time I've said this out loud and I surprise even myself. Peeta takes my hand and squeezes it.

"I'm glad you're alive, too" he tells me.

* * *

><p>The storm begins in my subconscious. I am back on the clock arena and it's time for the lightning that hits the tree, and the crack of thunder that follows. It wakes me up and when I look around I realize I am on the beach, lying in the sand, but Peeta is not next to me. He should be next to me.<p>

I look around frantically trying to find him. I scream out his name, I run into the woods but he is nowhere to be found. Then I hear him scream out in pain and I follow the screams until they lead to a clearing. He is sitting in a chair with wires attached to his chest and limbs. A man is standing next to him pulling a lever, every time he pulls it Peeta writhes and screams out in pain. I run towards him but there's an invisible barrier between us. I scream out his name, I try to get him to look at me but he can't hear me, he can't see me.

The man keeps pulling on the lever until finally, Peeta stops squirming. His body becomes limp and his chest ceases to rise and fall. I begin banging on the barrier screaming, crying, until I hear another crack of thunder and shut my eyes closed. When I open my eyes again I am back in my room, in district twelve. I am breathing hard and my heart is racing. My nightmare was so vivid. I try to calm myself down but I can't. I look outside my window towards Peeta's house. All his lights are off, but I'm sure he's awake. I can't sleep through thunderstorms, and neither can he. I begin to cry hysterically as the thunder keeps on rolling and that's when I make up my mind.

I run down the stairs and into the rain. I don't care that I'm only wearing a sleep shirt, or that I don't have any shoes on. I am soaking wet and my feet are muddy by the time I get to his house. I turn the doorknob to find the door is unlocked. I walk through his house in the dark leaving a trail of water and mud and trying not to slip. When I finally make it to his room I open the door to find him sitting up on the edge of his bed. It is pitch black and all I can see is his silhouette as the lightning peeks through the window. He turns his head when he sees me standing at the door and I know I've startled him. He crosses the room so quickly I don't notice he's moved until I feel him wrap his arms around me.

"I had a nightmare," I tell him sobbing.

"Shh, shhh, you're alright, we're alright." He whispers in my ear as he runs his fingers through my soaked hair.

"No…" I shake my head as more tears roll down my face.

"We're not alright, Peeta. How can we be all right when everything takes us back to the arenas, the war? Letters, paintings, phone calls, thunder, lightning, my stupid cat." I say in between sobs.

"It's been almost 26 years for Haymitch and he's still not alright!"

He doesn't say anything, he just holds me tighter.

"You're soaked, let me get you a change of clothes before you catch a cold." He says once I've calmed down a bit.

We are now sitting on the floor at the foot of his bed and when he tries to stand up to get me some clothes, I pull him back down.

"Just wait with me for a while." I plead.

"Alright." He says pulling me onto his lap and cradling me like a child as he often does when he is trying to calm me down.

The thunder eventually begins to die down, leaving only the sound of the pouring rain. Peeta picks me up and sits me on the edge of the bed.

"I'll be right back, okay?" he asks kneeling down in front of me.

There's a flash of lightning and it illuminates his eyes, which are staring into mine, waiting for me to tell him I'll be okay, but I remain silent.

He places a kiss on top of my head and presses his forehead against mine. We are inches apart and I can feel his hot breath on my skin.

I don't know what possesses me to do it, but I lean forward and close the space between us. My lips crash hard into his and at first Peeta doesn't react, but a few seconds later he begins to kiss back. I've kissed Peeta countless times before, but this feels like the first time. Something's different though, tonight I'm not kissing him for show, I'm not kissing him to keep us both alive, I'm not doing it for him, or the cameras. Tonight I'm kissing Peeta for me.

His lips are warm and soft, and they move slowly against mine. My heart speeds up when I feel the heat radiating from his hands through my wet clothing. My hands are tangled in his hair as he pulls me closer and I begin to feel that thing that I felt back in the cave when my head was bleeding; and in the beach when he told me there was nothing for him here without me. We are lost in each other, and what started as a soft, gentle kiss is now frantic and heavy and hungry. His lips leave mine and make their way to my neck, leaving a trail of fire behind them. I feel his hands slip under my shirt and he places them on my lower back, sending chills up and down my spine. The feeling in my stomach intensifies as his lips return to mine but we are brought back to reality by the sound of thunder and I feel him jerk his hands out from under my shirt and place them on my shoulders as he lightly pushes me away, breaking us apart.

"Katniss, I can't," he says as another flash of lightning illuminates his face.

"Did I do something wrong?" I ask.

"No. I just don't think this is something we should be doing"

"Why?" I say appalled and hurt at his rejection.

"Katniss, I know what I want. I've known from the very first day I heard you sing. Even when I was half crazy and thought you were out to kill me. In the back of my mind I knew…I knew I loved you."

I look away from him embarrassed.

"It's you I'm worried about. I don't think _you_ know what _you_ want." He continues.

Even though he is mostly right, his accusing tone hurts my pride and I can feel the anger rising within me.

"I'm here aren't I? I ran through the pouring rain because I needed _you_." I say raising my voice. I'm surprised at how sure I am that I need him, and that's when I realize it's true. I need him. I need him to hold me when I feel as if I might fall apart. To help me fall asleep at night, and to help me wake up in the morning.

"Because I'm next door…"he begins but I cut him off.

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying, that maybe if things were different. If you had a choice…you wouldn't come to me."

I'm shaking with rage by now and I close my eyes trying to calm myself down but I can't. I want to tell him it's not true, that his are the only arms I want wrapped around me, but my pride wins out and I don't say anything.

Something about what he's said triggers a memory and I remember him saying the words, "_I know your heart belonged to Gale."_

"This is about Gale?" I ask.

He doesn't respond and it makes me even angrier.

"I can't believe you! He's not here! He left! He's gone!" I yell as angry tears spill over. I begin to turn to leave but he grabs my wrist holding me in place.

"You basically told me you loved him once." He says.

"Let go of me." I say and he does.

"I want you, Katniss. But I want you to be sure you want me too. Two weeks ago you told me you were confused. Two weeks ago you were worried you might get my hopes up. Now it's me who is worried about getting my hopes up…"

I know he's just protecting his heart because I broke it so bad the first time, but it doesn't make me feel any better.

"I love you. That's never going to change," He says walking to the bedside table.

He opens the second drawer and pulls out a stack of envelopes.

"You have things to sort out." He whispers handing me the stack before walking out of the room.

Even in the dark I know what these are, they're the letters I threw away. They're all unopened, all from District 2, all from Gale Hawthorne.

**A/N:. In my mind Peeta's never had any competition, but in his mind he had to compete against Gale and feels like he still does, so he is being cautious with his heart.  
><strong>


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Well this Chapter is extremely long. Hope you like it. Hope it's not tedious, There's a lot of set up for the next chapter which is almost finished so expect that soon.  
>As always thanks so much for the reviews and the constructive criticism it's really appreciated. Sorry for any grammar, punctuation and spelling errors you may find.<strong>

**Read, Review, and Enjoy.**

**I do not own The Hunger Games. **

Peeta has stopped coming to dinner and I have not seen movement in his house for a few days, it wouldn't surprise me if he were sleeping at the bakery in order to avoid me. There's been an influx of people returning to District 12, most of them people I don't recognize, but that doesn't stop them from stopping outside my house and hoping to catch a glimpse of what's left of the Mockingjay. For days I've had to wake up before the sun is up in order to go into the woods without having to deal with the staring and whispering.

I finally get the courage to open Gale's letter a week after the storm. I take a deep breath before I begin reading.

_Katniss, _

_I hope you are doing well. There are so many things I wish I could've said to you before leaving for District 2, but I lacked the courage then, and I lack the courage now, which is why I am writing. The past few months have not been easy on me, and I'm sure they've been hard on you too. Not a day goes by that I don't think about what I could've done to keep Prim safe. Forgive me. _

There are five letters total, and most of them say the same things. _Forgive me. I'm sorry. I miss you. I should've done more. _I am in tears by the time I finish the last one. And if his words affect me this much, if his letters convey this much guilt, I wonder what his voice would do, what it would sound like.

I pick up the phone and dial a number I haven't bothered to call since I returned to District 12.

"Hello?" I hear the voice say. It's been so long I'd forgotten how it sounded.

"Mom?" I whisper.

"Katniss? Honey, I've tried calling you, I've written. You haven't answered my letters." She says.

"Sorry, I've been busy" I lie.

I know she's been calling, and she probably knows I've been avoiding talking to her. And her letters are hidden away, unopened.

"It's so good to hear your voice, sweetie." She says. The words sound strange coming from her.

"It's good to hear your voice too." I say.

Talking to her makes me think of my sister and of my father. I am overcome with loneliness and a knot forms in the back of my throat, so I wait for her to speak.

"How are things? Are you doing well, Katniss?" she asks.

I swallow hard before I speak again, hoping my voice doesn't betray me.

"Yes…I'm doing better." I say.

"I'm glad."

An awkward silence begins to take over and I have to sort my thoughts out quickly before she thinks I've hung up on her, but she speaks first.

"Katniss? What's wrong?" she asks, and I lose it.

My sobs are loud and the tears spill over like a waterfall as I think of all the things that are wrong.

"What's wrong? Prim is dead, mom. You're off in District 4. I can barely sleep through the night, and Peeta and I aren't speaking."

I hear her take a deep breath the way she used to, when she was trying to hold back tears, so Prim and I wouldn't see her cry.

"Katniss...you have to understand…" she begins. There's so much pain in her voice that I instantly feel guilty for making her hurt.

"…I had to stay here. I had to do something to keep me busy. Sweetie, if I had gone back to District 12, I would've been useless."

She's right. Had she returned, my mother would've been dead to the world and I would feel just as alone.

"Katniss, you are so much stronger than I am. You're a survivor." She says and I sob some more.

I don't feel like I'm strong. It's true I'm a survivor, but sometimes I feel like I've been _forced_ to be a survivor. If things had gone my way, I would've jumped to my death the day I killed Coin. I tell my mother this, and we cry over the phone for a while longer until we can't cry anymore and that's when she asks me about Peeta.

"What was that you said about you and Peeta not speaking?"

"It's a long story. I'd rather not talk about it." I say with a groan.

"Whatever it is, I'm sure you'll get through it. That boy loves you, you know." She says and laughs a little.

"I remember when your father and I picked you up on the first day of school. You ran to us in your little plaid dress. That's the first time I noticed the little blonde boy staring at you. And every day after that when I came to pick you up, there he was without fail, watching you."

"What?"

"He was right when he said you weren't paying attention." She says laughing again.

I feel myself blush and decide to change the subject.

"Mom, I wanted to ask for a favor."

"Sure, what do you need?"

"I need Gale's phone number. Do you think you could get it for me?" I ask.

"Of course. I have it written down somewhere, give me a minute." She says before setting the phone down.

I don't have to wait long before she comes back and recites the number. I am in the process of writing it down when I hear a soft knock on the door. I'm taken aback because no one knocks on my door. Greasy Sae and Peeta have their own key, and Haymitch is too drunk to visit.

"Mom, hold on a second." I tell her putting the phone down before peeking through the window. I catch a glimpse of the blonde hair and my heart begins to speed up instantly.

I open the door and walk back to the phone.

"I can come back if you're busy." He says when he sees me pick it up.

"No…you're fine…give me a minute." I say.

I tell my mother Peeta is here and she finishes reciting the number. She makes me promise I will call her again and sends her regards to Peeta, Greasy Sae and Haymitch before hanging up.

"My mother says hello." I tell him.

He nods, and I notice he is eyeing the phone number on the piece of paper so I fold it up and put it in my pocket. I wait for him to talk, expecting an apology, expecting him to say something to make up for the accusations he made the night of the storm.

"I need a favor," he says. He's not here to apologize.

"Oh." I say, the disappointment apparent in my voice.

"Do you remember Delly Cartwright?"  
>I nod, of course I remember.<p>

"I didn't know you kept in touch with her." I say wondering why I hadn't noticed.

"She wrote me a couple weeks after I arrived. She calls every now and then."

"You never mentioned it."

"I didn't think it mattered."

And it doesn't, it shouldn't. But for some reason I feel betrayed, like he should've told me that he's been talking to some other girl. It dawns on me that I feel jealous of Delly Cartwright.

"She's been wanting to come home to visit for a while now and I wanted to know if you would allow her to stay with you."

He sounds so formal and detached, it's almost like we don't know each other.

"Why can't she stay with you?"

"Well, for starters I don't trust myself to be alone with her." He says and I feel as if he's punched me in the stomach.

"What?"

"I'm referring to the flashbacks, Katniss. I don't want to have an episode and scare her."

I feel stupid for thinking he meant something else.

"And God knows what people will think if she's stays with me."

It takes me by surprise that he cares what people think, because he's never been that kind of person.

"You care about that?" I ask.

"No…" he says as his eyes lock on mine.

Then I understand what he means, he cares what _I_ will think if she stays with him.

"Okay, she can stay here."

"Thank you. I will give her a call tonight and let her know." He says getting up to leave.

I try to think of something to say because I miss him and I don't want him to leave yet.

"I read the letters." The words spill out just as he turns the doorknob.

He stops at the door and turns to look at me.

"I'm glad." He says with a smile before he walks out the door.

Peeta doesn't come to dinner and after Greasy Sae leaves, I am left to my thoughts as I stare intently at the piece of paper with Gale's number on it and end up falling asleep on my couch. That night I dream of him, of the fire in his eyes and how it was gone the last time I saw him.

When I wake up, I'm not sweating or thrashing about, but my heart is beating hard and I'm a bit disoriented. It's almost five in the morning and I don't think I can go back to sleep so I grab my hunting jacket and my bow and head into the woods. I spend most of my time shooting my arrows at my target practice tree trunk. I'm not really there to hunt; I'm there to take my mind off things. But even mindlessly shooting my arrow doesn't take my mind off the fact that Peeta has become a stranger in the course of one week or the fact that I'm terrified of what might happen when I get the courage to call Gale.

I return home and do my best to stay busy, and avoid falling asleep. I take care of the primrose bushes and I clean my kitchen, and bathrooms. When I run out of rooms to clean I stand outside the door to my mother's old room with my back to the door. I stand there for what seems hours before I gather the courage to enter the room. Everything is as they left it. The bed is made; my mother's cabinet is full of medicines and home made remedies as if she were still living here.

There's an old beaten up wooden box sticking out from under the bed. Curiosity overcomes me as I look at this box because I've never seen it. I pull it out from under the bed and I open it. There's a small stack of pictures I have never seen in the box. I didn't even know we ever owned a camera, but if we did it's likely my parents sold it. The first is a picture I have never seen, a picture of my parents on their wedding day. My father is looking straight into the camera, but my mother is looking up at him, there's a sparkle in her eye; a sparkle I hadn't seen since my father died. As I shuffle through the stack I see more pictures of their wedding day, both radiating happiness through the photos. I stop when I see one of my father holding a baby, when I turn it over I see my sister's name on it. The way he is looking at baby Prim makes me wonder how he could be so happy to have a child born in a world where there was nothing but war and famine. Even now that the Capitol has been overthrown, I can't imagine ever bringing a child into the world.

There are clippings in the box, cut out from the Capitol Newsletters that used to be delivered every Monday. Headlines about many things including the Explosion that killed my father, Gale's father and many other miners; the reaping where a brave girl from District 12 volunteered to take her sister's place; Peeta's face as he spoke with Caesar Flickerman and confessed his love for me; and an article about the star-crossed lovers of District 12 and the way they won the Hunger Games. The very last thing in the box is an old worn piece of paper. When I open it up I see my father's handwriting. It is the song The Hanging Tree and as I close my eyes I can imagine him singing and it's as if he's there with me. I begin to sing along and I don't notice the knocks on the door or the footsteps down the hall.

"Katniss." He whispers and I almost don't hear him.

"How long have you been standing there?" I ask startled.

"Not long."

I put everything back into the box neatly and close it before I walk out of the room towards the living room.

"Are you here for dinner? I don't think Greasy Sae is coming tonight, but I guess I could make something." I say trying to avoid talking about my singing or the box or the fact that I entered my sister's old room for the first time today.

"No. I have some things to finish doing in town." He says.

"Oh."

"I spoke to Delly." He begins and I can't stop the jealousy I feel when he mentions her name.

"When will she be coming?"

"She'll be here in three days. I hope that's enough time for you to get your guest room ready."

"It's ready." I say

Peeta nods and begins to make his way towards the door. He opens the door but stops and turns to look at me.

"Thanks for doing this, Katniss." He says.

"It's important to you…" I say.

He gives me a smile, the first genuine one I've seen in a while. He hesitates at the door but walks back towards me taking me in his arms and kissing the top of my head.

"See you around" he says as he walks out the door leaving me extremely confused.

* * *

><p>When Delly steps off the train I hardly recognize her. She is thin and her long yellow hair falls in waves down her back. Peeta waves her over and she runs to him and wraps her arms around him.<p>

"Peeta, it is so good to see you!" she says taking a step back and looking him over.

I stand there feeling awkward until she turns to look at me.

"Katniss!" she says taking me by surprise when she wraps her arms around me too.

"Oh my. Peeta, are you making sure she eats? She's awful tiny." She says once she lets go of me.

I feel the blush creep to my cheeks and I don't know if it's because I'm embarrassed she's pointing out how skinny I am or annoyed she's at the fact that she's assuming I need looking after, even though I do.

Peeta tries to take her luggage but she insists on managing just fine to the house. On the walk home I stare at the ground as Peeta and Delly reminisce about their childhood. I feel a pang of jealousy laced with anger. Jealousy when I think about how much she knows about Peeta's childhood, how much she was there for; anger when I think about how lucky they are to have happy childhood memories, when mine are about trying to keep my mother and my sister alive.

We arrive at my house where I show Delly to the guest room upstairs. I give her a tour and she decides she wants to shower before doing anything else. When I walk downstairs I find Peeta is already busy making bread.

"So I take it you're joining us for dinner tonight." I say leaning against the wall opposite of where he's working kneading dough.

"Yes. I already spoke to Sae. I ordered some thing from the supply train last time. We are having duck today." He says.

"I could've gone hunting, you didn't have to order anything." I say.

"I didn't want to bother you."

His words hurt me and I wonder if all the progress we had made since we arrived in District 12 was completely undone the night I decided to kiss him.

There are so many things I want to say to him but my mind is all jumbled and I'm finding it hard to come up with the words but I decide to give it a try anyway.

"Are you still…angry…about that night?

He looks at me but doesn't say anything as he places the bread in the oven then turns around to look at me.

I see a flash of pain in the back of his eyes and I immediately regret asking.

"I was never angry." He says.

"I thought…you haven't been around for almost two weeks…"

"No. That was for _you_. That was to give _you_ space."

"I don't remember asking for any." I say.

"I thought you could use the time to sort things out."

This conversation is not going as I thought it would and instead of fixing things, I am becoming angry with him. Angry because he thinks he knows what I want, what I need.

"So hugging me and kissing the top of my head is okay, but coming to dinner or to keep me company isn't?"

"I was thanking you for letting Delly stay with you, Katniss."

"I didn't want space. You are the only one I have…"

I feel a knot form in my throat and my eyes begin to fill with frustrated angry tears. He begins to approach me but I back away.

"Katniss, I'm…"

I hold my hand up motioning for him to stop talking. I don't want to hear anything else he has to say.

I hear footsteps and wipe my tears away quickly.

"That shower sure was refreshing. Katniss, your shampoo smells like strawberries. I love it!" we hear Delly's cheerful voice say.

"I think I'm ready to take a walk through town…you guys ready?" she continues.

The awkwardness between Peeta and I must be evident because when she walks into the kitchen she stops and becomes serious.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Was I interrupting something? I can wait in the living room if you want to finish talking."

Peeta looks like he's about to tell her to do that but I interrupt him.

"No, you're fine. I was just telling Peeta how tired I am. You too go ahead, I'll see you back here for dinner." I say pasting a smile on my face.

Peeta is about to protest but I shake my head at him and leave the kitchen. I hear him tell Delly that they can go on their walk as soon as his bread is out of the oven. I walk upstairs to my room and lie in bed staring at the ceiling until I hear the front door close.

Greasy Sae arrives not long after Peeta and Delly leave and she begins making dinner. I walk downstairs and I offer to help but as always she decline and tells me she's fine so I sit and watch TV with her granddaughter. Dinner's almost done and I'm in the process of setting the table when Peeta and Delly walk through the door. Her arm is hooked through Peeta's and I look away as soon as I notice. I catch Greasy Sae looking at them too and when she looks up she meets my eyes and raises and eyebrow. I shrug pretending it doesn't bother me and continue to set the table.

Haymitch walks through the door as we are about to sit. He eyes move from Delly to Peeta then to me.

"What'd I miss?" he says.

I motion for him to take a seat before I get up and grab another plate of food for him.

"Haymitch, you remember Delly? You brought her in to talk to me when I'd been Hijacked?"

"The plump, blonde girl?" he says.

I kick him under the table and I see the realization dawn on his face.

"Oh shh…Delly, yes. Hi, almost didn't recognize you." He says.

Delly doesn't seem offended by Haymitch's remark, in fact she is giggling in her seat.

"It's no problem. I was quite plump wasn't I?" she says laughing.

"She's visiting for a few days." Peeta says.

"I see. She staying with you? You okay with that, sweetheart?" he says looking at me.

I don't need a mirror to know that my face is becoming a deep shade of red as Delly giggles again.

"No way, Mr. Haymitch. Katniss was nice enough to let me stay with her." She says taking the attention away from me.

I suppose I should be grateful she deflected the attention but I feel myself become more irritated with her and the way she takes everything so lightly.

We make it through dinner without any more embarrassing comments from Haymitch. Greasy Sae and her granddaughter leave shortly after and Haymitch stays until I give him a bottle of liquor from the emergency stash.

"Just one?"

"Beggars can't be choosers!" I say closing the door in his face.

It's just Peeta, Delly and me when I excuse myself to bed.

"Katniss, wait can we talk?" I hear Peeta say.

"Can it wait until tomorrow? I'm really tired." I say.

He nods and I make my way upstairs. I fall asleep within minutes and I don't know how long I've been sleeping before the nightmare comes and I am wide-awake again. I look around the room and notice the time. It's only one in the morning and the house is completely silent. I lie in bed for a while thinking about Peeta's words the night of the storm and Gales letters. I reach in my pocket and pull out the piece of paper I've been carrying around for a week It takes me a long time to decide to call it and I'm sure it's past any time that could be deemed reasonable.

The phone begins to ring and I'm about to count the sixth ring when I hear his voice.

"Hello?" it sounds raspy and strained and I find myself unable to breathe, much less speak.

"Hello?" he says again.

I almost hang up but decide not to because I don't know if I will be able to find the courage to call again.

"Gale." I manage to choke out.

The line goes quiet for a while.

"Katniss?" he says. He sounds like he's just heard the voice of a ghost.

"Katniss? Is that you?" he asks again and I am trying so hard to regain my composure but I'm finding it extremely difficult.

"I read your letters…"

I hear him take a breath.

"Katniss…you have to know. You have to know how sorry I am. How difficult it's been these past few months."

"I do. I know, Gale. Because I can't fall asleep without thinking of her, I can't get through the night without reliving that day…without watching her burn away again" I say and I'm surprised that I'm not crying.

I hear him take a deep breath before he speaks again.

"I'm so sorry. I wish I could take it all back. I wish I had never helped develop that bomb. Katniss…you and your family, you were everything to me. Everything I did was to give us a future." He says. The pain I hear in his voice finally breaks me and I begin sobbing uncontrollably.

"I know" I say as tears keep rolling down my cheeks.

I hear his shallow breathing on the phone, which is how I know he is crying too.

"It wasn't your fault." I hear myself whisper.

"What?" He sounds surprised to hear me say the words.

"You didn't know…" I don't say anything else; I just listen as he sobs into the phone.

We sit in silence for a few minutes, listening to each other take deep breaths until we are calm again.

"I'm glad you read the letters." He speaks first.

"I wasn't going to. I threw them away," I tell him the truth.

"What changed your mind?" he asks.

"Peeta." I whisper.

I hear Gale let out a soft chuckle, which takes me by surprise.

"What?" I ask.

"You and Peeta." He says and there's no bitterness in his voice, like there used to be when he used to say his name.

"I can't say I'm surprised…everyone could see it except you." He adds.

I don't know what he means and a frown appears on my face as I try to think of what it is everyone saw.

"I don't know what you mean."

"You've always been oblivious to this sort of thing." He says letting out another chuckle.

"I first saw a hint of it during the first hunger games," he begins.

I feel my face get hot because I'm not sure I want to listen to this and for a moment I contemplate hanging up.

"When they made the announcement about having two victors and you screamed his name. And then when you came home and you weren't speaking, I thought there was still hope for us. And I was sure you were mine when you stayed by my side after I was whipped."

"I did love you. I still do." I tell him.

"I know. But it's different with him, Katniss. I knew it when he died during the Quarter Quell. You looked so broken, so desperate. I sat in front of the TV hoping that, for your sake, Finnick would be able to resuscitate him."

"For my sake?" I ask.

"I was afraid if he stayed dead you would die too in that arena, the way your mother did when your father passed."

His words sting a little, but as much as I hate to think I would've become a ghost if Peeta had died that day, it dawns on me that Gale's right.

"So when you were rescued and Peeta wasn't I expected the worst, but you didn't break. Not until we got him back."

I begin tearing up again, as I always do when I think of the day Peeta tried to kill me, but no tears fall.

"He's better now. He hasn't tried to kill me in a while."

"I'm glad to hear you two are doing well, Catnip." I can hear the sincerity in his voice and a smile spreads across my face when I hear him use my old nickname.

"Yeah…" I say

"What's wrong? You don't sound so enthusiastic.

"I screwed things up. I…I don't think you want to hear about it." I say.

"Look, Catnip. I'm a big boy. I became acquainted with the idea that you and me weren't going to happen. I loved you, and I think I always will, but I want you to be happy. That's the only way _I_ can be happy. So maybe it'll sting a little but I want to help you through it." It's as if I'm speaking to a completely new Gale.

"Thank you."

"Of course, now tell me, what happened?"

"There was a storm a couple weeks ago and…I can't sleep through those so I went to his house and we were comforting each other…and I…kissed him."

"I'm confused as to how this screwed things up for you."

"He thinks I'm still in love with you. He thought because I wouldn't read your letters somehow that meant I was still in love with you."

"Still?"

"Gale…"

"Sorry. Well you aren't…"

"I'm not, I'm not even sure if I ever was. I did love you, and I wanted you to be around and I couldn't stand the thought of losing you but I think…the reason I couldn't read your letters is that I was so angry with you. I had to blame someone for my sister's death and I decided to blame you. And on top of that I was bitter because you had left me. You and my mother left me." I say and by then I am in tears again.

"Katniss…I'm sorry."

"No, I know. I understand. I understand how painful it must've been…the idea of returning to a home that no longer existed."

"I should've done more to make sure you were okay."

"I needed time to heal. And Peeta, he's helped me get there."

"Then why are you making things so complicated?" he asks me.

"Things _are_ complicated, I'm so confused."

"Katniss, you don't sound confused. I think you're just scared."

"Scared of what?" I ask

"Perhaps you're just scared he will break your heart again, like he did when he thought you were out to kill him." He says and his words hit me like a bucket of ice-cold water because I had never thought of things that way. It had never occurred to me that Peeta had broken my heart.

"It's late." Gale says yawning

"I'm glad you called, Katniss. You have no idea how good it is to hear from you. Please stay in touch."

"Gale…thank you." I say before I hang up.

I sit there thinking about all the things Gale said. About how I'm the one complicating things. About how I don't sound confused but it doesn't help, the more I think about it the more worried I become. Worried that Gale is right and what I feel isn't confusion it's fear…fear that I might be in love with Peeta.

**A/N: Things are becoming clear to Katniss, and I think in the next chapter they will become clear to Peeta. **


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Thanks so much for all the reviews! I had a lot of fun writing this chapter and I really hope you guys like it as much as I do. I only have a few paragraphs of Ch. 10 written so don't be surprised if I don't update for a while. I promise I will try not to leave you hanging for too long. **

**Read, enjoy, and review.**

I don't know what comes over me but one minute I am sitting on my couch next to the phone and the next I am walking out the door with a bottle of white liquor in each hand. I walk through the door of Haymitch's house to find him awake in front of the television. I walk straight to the couch trying to avoid all the wide array of broken things that are scattered about the floor.

"So sweet how you worry about your old mentor, sweetheart. But I could've made it through the night with just one bottle." He says chuckling.

I set one of the bottles down on the table in front of him and I open the other and take a big swig. The clear liquid feels warm and stings a little as it goes down my throat. I make a face and wonder to myself how Haymitch can tolerate it.

"Well then, cheers." He says taking a swig too.

He watches me take three more swigs before he decides to speak again.

"I guess this is about the boy and his new girl." he says.

"She's not his girlfriend."

"Well then what's got you drinkin'?" he asks.

"I spoke to Gale…"

"Oh Lord, here we go. Did you finally break it to him that you're in deep with the other one?" I nearly spit out the drink I just took when I hear him say this.

"What?..."

"Well… It's obvious, sweetheart." He says.

I shake my head taking another swig.

"I don't know what it is exactly that everyone sees, but I wish I could be as sure as all of you." I say.

Haymitch and I sit in silence watching TV and drinking. I start to become aware of my state of intoxication when both of us begin laughing at everything. We begin telling stories of our respective hunger games. We are laughing when we hear loud knocks on the door. But neither of us gets up to open the door and the knocks become louder until Peeta bursts through the door in a rage with Delly close behind. He looks at me then at Haymitch and sighs in exasperation before he walks to the coffee table, picks up the two almost empty bottles of liquor and smashes them on the ground. Haymitch and I look at each other and burst into uncontrollable laughter and I fall to the ground.

"What the hell do you think you are doing!" I don't know which one of us Peeta is talking to, but I am too busy laughing to care. I don't even feel the pain when a stray piece of glass digs into my palm and cuts it as I try to lift my self up from the ground but slip.

"Look, boy, she showed up with two bottles. What did you want me to do? My supply is scarce at the moment." I hear Haymitch say and then I feel Peeta's hand grip my arm and pull me up.  
>"You know what they say, boy…Misery is the best…wait that's not right…"<p>

"Haymitch, I suggest you shut your mouth before I knock your teeth in!" Peeta yells as he tries to steady me up.

"Peeta…leave me alone…I'm fine."

"I can't believe you're doing this again after how it ended last time" He says referring to the time before the Quell.

"OOOOOOH. HE REMEMBERS SOMETHING!" I say loudly.

I can see a flash of pain cross his eyes but he doesn't say anything.

"How did you even know I was here?" I ask and my eyes fall on Delly who is staring at me in shock.

"Did you tell on me, Delly?" I say scowling at her.

"I heard you leave, when you didn't come back I got worried so I went and got Peeta." She says.

"You...worried? Don't you want Peeta all to yourself?" I say laughing

She remains speechless but she's shaking her head.

"Katniss, Peeta and I are just good friends…"

"Can't say you have anything to worry about. Look at me…_I'm awful tiny._" I mock her.

"My body is covered in scars, yours is intact…"

Delly's eyes are starting to fill with tears but the sight doesn't move me or stop me from saying more hurtful things.

"Why are you crying? He's yours…I bet you even want children someday don't you."

The words that spill out are laced with bitterness I didn't know I had inside.

"Katniss…" she begins to say but I cut her off.

"Peeta loves kids…don't you Peeta? Wouldn't you just love to have little blonde kids running around your new bakery?" I say.

"Katniss, enough!" I hear Peeta say in a harsh whisper.

He looks so angry it almost scares me. He has a tight grip on my arm and before we walk out he stops at the door and turns to Haymitch.

"I swear to you if you ever let her drink this much again, I will personally make sure you never see a drop of alcohol for the rest of your miserable life, do you understand me!"

It takes us entirely too long to get to Peeta's house, mostly because I am so intoxicated I can barely stand. Peeta insists on carrying me but I'm too drunk and stubborn to allow him. Delly is close behind and when we finally make it in the door I hear Peeta saying something to her and she walks out.

"Why did you bring me here? Have I embarrassed you in front of your new girlfriend?"

"No. You embarrassed yourself enough and Delly is not my girlfriend, Katniss. Drop that already."

Peeta sits me down on the couch and disappears into the kitchen. Everything around me is spinning, I close my eyes but it does nothing to help.

When I open my eyes again he is standing in front of me holding a cup of water to my lips.

"Drink it."

"No, I don't want it" I try to say.

"Katniss, please drink it." He sounds frustrated.

I try to push the cup away but end up spilling most of its contents on him. I see Peeta's angry expression and I feel like a child who's done something wrong so I take the cup and drink the rest of the water.

"Happy?" I ask.

There's blood smeared all over the cup and that's when we notice the cut on my palm and the shard of glass in it.

"It doesn't hurt." I say poking at the cut.

"That's because you're loaded. It will hurt in the morning." He says and leaves the room.

When he comes back he has gauze, tweezers, and a bottle of antiseptic with him.

He soaks the tweezers with antiseptic and proceeds to remove the small piece of glass from my wound. After he cleans it and tapes gauze over it, Peeta pulls me up by the arm and tries to help me walk up the stairs. We stop on the fourth step because everything is spinning again and I'm starting to feel sick. I sit on the floor trying to take deep breaths but nothing works and I end up throwing up.

Peeta picks me up and takes me into the bathroom where I proceed to get sick once more.

"This should take the taste out," He says handing me a cup that holds a small amount of greenish liquid in it. I stare at it and smell it before I realize it's mint extract so I swish it in my mouth and spit it out into the sink. He turns the water on and I try to look around but it's getting harder and harder to keep my head up.

I hear him ask me something but it doesn't register in my intoxicated brain. I have completely lost control of my body.

He picks me up and puts me in the tub under the cold stream of water falling from the showerhead. I feel the water on my bare skin, that's when I realize I am only wearing my underwear.

"You took my clothes off?" I ask Peeta, or I think I do but it comes out all jumbled and I'm surprised he understands me.

"You got vomit and blood all over them." He says quietly as a blush creeps up to his cheeks.

It must be the alcohol because I don't feel embarrassed even though I'm nearly naked but Peeta seems to be and I decide to tease him about it.

"I don't care if you see me" I tell him reaching behind me to unhook my bra.

He grabs my hands and holds them in place in front of me, though he doesn't really have anything to worry about because in my state I doubt I'd be able to unhook my bra without seriously injuring myself.

"I do." He says letting go of my wrists.

He begins to run a bar of soap over my skin and I hope he doesn't notice the goose bumps he's leaving behind. He is kneeling by the bathtub and I look up through the stream of water and into his eyes. There's something in them, I can't tell if it's concern, or pity for the drunk, broken girl staring back at him. Somewhere inside I find the strength to lift my wet soapy hands to his face.

"I miss you." I slur out.

"Katniss…what…"

I don't let him finish his thought before I pull his lips down to mine. The kiss is short because he pushes me away as soon as our lips touch.

"Katniss, stop, you don't know what you're doing."

"I know I want to kiss you..."

"Katniss. I'd rather not do this when you're drunk out of your mind." He says in a voice that sounds so worn out it makes my heart ache.

The reality of what is happening begins to catch up with me and my eyes begin to fill with tears. My tears spill over and I begin to sob when I think about the last time I was this drunk, when my sister and my mother were the ones that had taken care of me.

"Katniss…we are almost done here. You can lie down soon." He says in the sweetest voice, and it only makes me cry harder.

I continue crying as Peeta shampoos and rinses my hair. He shuts the water off, wraps me in a towel, then carries me to his room and sits me down on the bed.  
>He helps me put on one of his t-shirts and wraps the towel around my head trying to dry my hair.<p>

"I'll be right back." He says leaving the room as I sit on the edge of the bed, still sobbing

He isn't gone for long but when he comes back and kneels in front of me to try and make me drink more water, I wrap my arms around him like it's the first time I've seen him in years. He sets the water on the floor and holds me tight for a while.

"I'm sorry I threw up on your stairs." I tell him in between sobs.

"I'm sorry you decided getting drunk with Haymitch was a good idea." He says.

"Me too" I say.

I let go of him and lie down because things are spinning again and I'm finding it difficult to hold my head up.

"I'll let you sleep a while." He says grabbing a blanket and covering me with it.

"Don't leave me." I tell him.

"Katniss, you're drunk."

"Peeta, please." I whisper.

He hesitates but ends up getting in bed with me anyway. I fee him wrap his arms around me and as soon as my eyes are closed I drift into unconsciousness.

I wake up shortly after and barely make it to the bathroom before I get sick again. Peeta looks groggy as he follows me in and holds my hair back while I kneel in front of the toilet. We spend the rest of the night and part of the morning on the bathroom floor because every time I try to stand up I end up getting sick again. After a while he wakes me up and makes me drink water but I pass out again shortly after.  
>I wake up in Peeta's bed to find he is not next to me. I walk into the bathroom, my head pounding and my throat is so dry it's burning. I stand in front of the mirror examining myself. My hair is tangled to no end and my eyes are puffy and swollen, beyond that there's no noticeable damage until I feel the sting in my hand and I see the gauze that covers my cut. I splash some water on my face and rinse my mouth with mint extract hoping it will make the sourness I taste disappear. I hear a soft knock on the door.<p>

"Katniss, are you okay?" Peeta calls from the hall and I become a nervous wreck when I think about having to face him.

"I'm fine."

"There's food in the kitchen if you're hungry." He says and I hear his footsteps on the stairs.

I sit on the floor for a while taking deep breaths to try and calm myself down. When I finally gather the courage to face him, I make my way down the stairs where I find him sitting on the couch with his sketchbook on his lap. I stand at the bottom of the steps trying to think of something to say to apologize for my ridiculous behavior until he looks up from his drawing. I notice the bags under his blue eyes and I feel a surge of guilt.

"Hi" I say shyly.

"Hi" He says.

I sit awkwardly on the other end of the couch and wait for him to demand an explanation or scold me but he just continues drawing.

"Are you…angry with me?"

He sighs and then shakes his head.

"You should be. I wouldn't blame you if you decided to give me the silent treatment" I tell him.

"I know, but I figured the killer hangover you probably have right now is punishment enough." He says and the corners of his mouth twitch a little.

"I'm really sorry for anything I did…or said." I tell him as I recall my little scene in the shower.

"You were drunk, you didn't know what you were saying." He says dismissing my apology.

"You probably should think of something to say to Delly though." He adds.

"Delly?" I say, and there it is that feeling like he's punched me in the stomach.

"You don't remember?" he asks and I'm suddenly afraid I did something stupid.

"Well you were very angry at her."

Oh no. My guilt grows a hundred times stronger as I recall the things I said to her and I am ashamed and embarrassed.

"I…how am I going to face her again?" I say burying my face in my hands.

"Delly is a sweet girl. She'll understand." He says.

And he is right, when I finally see Delly before dinner, she is has a smile on her face and acts like nothing happened.

"Delly…can we talk?" I ask.

"Of course. Why don't we get out of Greasy Sae's and Peeta's way…doesn't look like they need our help. Let's take a walk." She suggests.

We step outside into the cool night air and walk for a bit before either one of us speaks.  
>"I'm sorry about last night."<p>

"I know." She says with a smile and we are silent for a while again.

"I've known Peeta since we were kids. He is like a brother to me, Katniss. I'm sorry if it ever looked like anything else to you."

"No. I know that. I don't know what came over me."

She looks at me and begins to giggle.

"Jealousy makes us think silly things. And you should know…it is you who has nothing to worry about. Peeta has been in love with you ever since I can remember. You're it for him."

I feel myself blush as my gaze falls to the ground.

"You're in love with him too aren't you?" She asks.

"I don't know." I say honestly.

"That's okay…sometimes things can be a bit unclear. I'm sure he understands that."

"Have you ever loved some body Delly?" I ask her.

"I have loved many people, Katniss. But if what you mean is have I ever been in love, then the answer is no."

I can't hide my surprise when she says this. She was from town, she had enough food, and she could afford to think about love and marriage and someday having a family.

"Does that surprise you?"

"Yes."

"I guess I just haven't found someone I can't live without." She says smiling.

We walk the rest of the way home in silence but her words keep ringing in my head because they remind me of the words I overheard Gale say so long ago.  
>Dinner's ready by the time we make it home and we sit at the table and have small conversations throughout. When Greasy Sae leaves, Delly excuses herself saying she is exhausted and retires to her room.<p>

Peeta and I sit on the couch, my head resting on his lap while he plays with my hair.

"I assume your walk with Delly went well?"

I nod but my mind is somewhere else.

"Is something bothering you?" he asks and concern seeps into his eyes.

"Thanks for taking care of me last night, and for staying with me." I say and his face softens.

"I will always take care of you."

"Because that's what we do, we take care of each other." I say

"Because you're everything to me." He says simply.

"Take care of me tonight. Stay with me?"

He sighs and I can see he is conflicted. I stand up and hold my hand out to him.

"It's easier to get through the night when you're here." I confess.

As I stare into his eyes I watch the uncertainty disappear until he nods and takes my hand.

**A/N: I loved writing drunk Katniss, but sadly, I think this will be the last time she drinks for a long time and I won't get to writ it again. **


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Wow. This took long. But thank you all so much for your patience, thank you for all the reviews, and all those who encouraged me to keep writing this story. It really means a lot! This chapter gets into the fluff, finally right? But Obviously there will be other bumps in the road and what not. I believe I have at least 2 more chapters plus a lead up to the Epilogue, but I'm not completely sure. Either way, I hope you enjoy this one. Please keep in mind that when I upload the chapters, no matter how much I edit and comb through, FFnet likes to eat letters and words and it's annoying as hell, but bear with me. **

**Enjoy it, review it, share it.**

**Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! **

We see Delly off two days later. And before she leaves she wraps me in a hug and whispers something in my ear.

"Peeta loves you, Katniss. If you love him too, let him know."

I blush wildly and stare at the ground as she says her goodbyes to Peeta. She thanks us for being so hospitable, making no mention of my little scene, and promises to visit soon. Peeta and I walk back to my house side by side and as we do I notice people in town whispering and pointing.

"Looks like we are the talk of the town…once again." He says.

"Must not have anything better to talk about." I say letting my gaze fall to the ground.

* * *

><p>In the weeks that follow our routine falls back into place. I go out hunting most mornings and he bakes, and after dinner we sit together and work on our book. Our relationship begins to slowly develop, but since I stole that kiss in my drunken stupor, the only time we touch is when Peeta wraps his arms around me at night. I don't push him or ask for more because I'm not ready to move in that direction again, and I am just grateful to have him close.<p>

One night we drift off on the couch and I wake up in a fit of tears after watching my sister die in my nightmares. He puts his arms tightly around me and I sob into his shirt hoping somehow he can erase the images from my mind but he can't. I look up at him through my tear-streaked face and we are so close I think we are about to kiss, but something inside me is yelling at me to stop. This isn't how I want things to proceed. I don't want to move forward when I'm vulnerable and grief stricken, I don't want him to think I want him close because it's convenient. So I do the only thing I know how to do and I run away to my room where I hide until the next day. The following day, Peeta is nowhere to be seen and I'm afraid I've chased him away again, and who could blame him when I go from hot to cold in a matter of seconds. He doesn't come to dinner and he is not there when I go to bed. I try to find sleep but it doesn't come because my mind is too busy thinking of him and how confusing all this must be, so I get up and walk to his house in the dark. I knock softly at first but when there's no answer I let myself in. From the bottom of the stairs I can see that the lights are on in his room so when I walk in I'm not surprised to find him awake with his sketchbook on his lap.

"Why didn't you come to bed?" I ask from the doorway and he jumps, startled because he hadn't noticed me.

"I thought I'd give you some space, after last night."

"I don't need…space." I blurt out, suddenly angry at his insistence on giving me space.

"You are just so…hard to figure out." He says, the frustration in his voice evident.

He is right. I am so damaged and confused and so bad at saying what I feel, because I don't really understand _what it is_ I feel. I sit on the edge of the bed facing him.

"I…know… and I'm sorry. I just…"

He looks up from his sketchbook and there's a crease on his forehead. Like he's looking at a puzzle, trying to figure out how the pieces fit together.

"Tell me what you want, what you need, and I'll give it to you Katniss." He says, placing his hand behind my head and pulling me to him. Our foreheads are touching and our eyes are locked on each other.

"What do you need?" he whispers again closing his eyes.

"I need you." I say and his eyes fly open.

He sighs and I can see he's ready to say something but I stop him by speaking again.

"And…I need time, and I need you to come to bed every night because I can't sleep without you." I say, surprised I've actually managed to say something pertaining to what I want and what I feel.

He sets his sketchbook and pen down and wraps me in his arms, where I sleep every night that follows.

Peeta is still busy getting his bakery ready so most mornings he is gone by the time I wake up. If I didn't know any better I'd think he was trying to avoid me, but I know he isn't because he comes home for lunch everyday. He tells me about his day at the bakery and different things he's changed around, though he refuses to show it to me until it's completely finished.

He finally takes me to town on the day before the grand opening.

The bakery is located near the newly rebuilt town square. He takes me around the back and unlocks the white metal door. The back room is big and spacious, there's a high table in the middle, where I assume Peeta will be kneading dough and decorating his cakes. Counters and cabinets line the room, and there are 4 ovens total plus the stove from his house.

"You haven't baked anything for tomorrow?" I ask noticing it is close to dinnertime.

"No, I want my first few customers to have fresh bread. I think I'm going to prepare things tonight, and bake early tomorrow morning." He says and I am taken aback.

"You're not coming home tonight?" I ask and I feel a blush creep up to my cheeks as I realize the words I've just spoken.

In my mind, my home has become Peeta's home, but I feel as if I overstepped a boundary by assuming that is the way he feels too.

"I'll be home tonight. I can't promise I'll be there when you wake up though." He says and I'm relieved.

"I'm used to it." I say looking up to meet his gaze.

Truth is, I feel as empty as his side of the bed when I wake up without him. I'd grown accustomed to waking up in a ball of warmth and wanting to stay in bed with him holding me for as long as I could. But nowadays I want to be out of the bed as soon as I realize he's not in it.

"Yeah, sorry about that." He says bringing his hand up to tuck a loose strand of hair behind my ear.

"Come on, let me show you the rest." He says taking my hand.

The front of the bakery is painted orange, bringing a feeling of warmth and homeliness.

"Orange…like sunset." I hear myself say as I look around.

"Yes, exactly. How did you know?" he asks confused.

"It's your favorite color." I say smiling.

I look around some more, noticing he's used his own paintings as decorations. I study the ones on the wall behind the counter. One of them is a painting of two tall blonde boys, an older man and woman. He watches me as I study the picture and when I turn to look at him there's sadness in his eyes.

"Your family?" I ask.

"Yes. Did I get them right?" he asks.

"It was hard to recall what they looked like?" I ask.

"I don't have any pictures. I'm afraid I got things wrong."

"No, you got them right. You got your father's kind eyes, your mother's serious stare. And your brothers, I didn't know them, but they always had this mischievous glint in their eyes, you got that right too." I tell him.

I move on to another painting and staring back at me I find Peeta, Haymitch, and myself. We are smiling; we look okay, not torn apart by war, not damaged beyond repair. I give him a questioning look because I'm confused as to why there's a painting of us three hanging up on the wall. His answer nearly knocks me off my feet.

"You're all the family I have now." He says looking down.

I feel selfish and ignorant because I had forgotten about the fact that Haymitch and I are all he really has left. I drop my head feeling ashamed.

"I'm sorry…" I say staring at my feet.

"Don't be, you've helped a lot." I'm sure he means to be reassuring but as I think about it, I can't think of any way I've really helped him cope with losing his family, and the guilt I feel intensifies.

With a surge of courage I close the distance between us and wrap my arms tightly around him. I look up to meet his eyes and place my hand on his cheek feeling awkward because I don't know how to be myself and be affectionate at the same time. The only time I was ever this way with him was when I had to put on a show for the cameras.

"You can talk to me about them, you know. You're always there for me…let me be there for you."

He grabs my hand and moves it to his lips, placing a small kiss on it.

"You're there when I wake up from my nightmares…that's really all I need." He tells me.

I shake my head because it's not fair that he should do so much for me when I don't do much for him.

"Promise me…you'll wake me up next time."

"Katniss, you don't have to worry yourself with that."

I shake my head

"Promise me." I insist until he finally gives in and he promises.

I leave Peeta to his work and walk back to my house by myself. When I walk in the door I find Greasy Sae is already busy cooking.

"Peeta's not coming home for dinner tonight." I tell her.

She gives me a questioning look and I explain further.

"He's busy preparing things for tomorrow's grand opening."

"Oh, of course. That boy's been putting his heart and soul into his bakery." She says.

I nod and help her setting the table. My mind is elsewhere during dinner and though she tries to make light conversation, I can't seem to focus.

It is later than usual when she finally leaves, and I guess part of the reason she stayed is because she didn't want me to be alone. I decide to watch TV for a while because I can't bare the thought of going to bed when Peeta is not there. Buttercup snuggles up next to me and we both drift off to sleep.

I wake up to Peeta's voice and Buttercup's hissing.

"Buttercup, it's me." He tells the cat but the hissing continues.

"You know…you didn't have to wait for me." Peeta tells me picking up Buttercup, who doesn't stop hissing, and putting him on the floor before he takes a seat next to me.

"I wasn't waiting for you." I lie, feeling embarrassed.

"I was talking to Buttercup, he clearly…has grown attached to me." He says and I can't help but laugh because the cat can't stand him.

"Come on, let's go to bed." He says holding his hand out for me to take.

I do not protest, I simply take his hand and let him lead me to bed where I proceed to pass out seconds after my head hits the pillow.

I feel the bed shift and open my eyes to find him sitting on the edge with his face in his hands and I become angry because I'm sure he's just had a nightmare.

"Peeta…you promised you'd wake me." I scold him, but I notice he is shaking and I get out of bed quickly and go stand in front of him.

He is completely gone and when I lift his eyes to mine they are wide with terror.

"Peeta…" I say terrified.

"Mutt…"

"No…Peeta. It's me. Please." I say desperately trying to think of a way to bring him back.

"Take your hands off me…" he says gripping my wrist so tight I wince in pain.

"No." I say desperately.

He keeps on shaking and I'm so scared I don't know what to do. He hasn't had a flashback in months and I'd forgotten how horrifying they were to both of us.

I place my hands on his cheeks and look into his eyes.

"You are Peeta Mellark, you're almost eighteen. Your favorite color is orange…like sunset. You are opening your new bakery in a few hours. I'm Katniss…you love me. And I think I… "

"I'm sorry…" he says letting go of my wrists.

His gaze falls to the floor and I can tell right away he is ashamed.

"Don't be sorry. These…these things happen." I say trying to be reassuring.

"Did I hurt you?" he asks getting up to turn the lights on.

"No" I say placing my arms awkwardly behind my body but he grabs them and examines my wrist.

"I can't live with myself if I hurt you Katniss." He says looking at my reddened wrists.

"Please don't beat yourself up over this…I'm not hurt." I say trying to get him to look at me but he remains focused on my writs.

"I should go, I'll need to start baking soon." He says before he turns the lights off and walks out of the room. I sit at the foot of the bed with tears rolling down my cheeks as I hear him shuffling around downstairs until I hear the door close.

When the sun comes up and begins to shine through my window I finally get up from my spot and decide to take a shower where I concoct a master plan to lift Peeta's spirits. I braid my hair and reach deep in the back of my closet for one of the dresses Cinna so graciously made for me and there I find the simple yellow dress I wore after the first Hunger Games. I put it on and hope it goes with the shoes I've picked because I've never concerned myself with fashion before.

I shuffle through my house trying to find the box where my mother kept part the money I won from the first hunger games and I find it in the drawer of her nightstand. I grab a small amount of cash and head towards town. I don't know what time Peeta's bakery is supposed to open but I'm sure it's sometime soon.

I walk feeling self-conscious is my dress and grateful that there's barely anyone but the construction workers around, though one of them shouts something about my legs, making blush all the way until I reach the bakery. I open the door making the tiny bell that sits above the door ring.

"I'll be right with you." I hear Peeta shout from the back room.

He stops dead in his tracks when he sees me.

"I hear your cheese buns are to die for…I will take six." I say placing the money on the counter.

"Katniss…you don't have to pay…" he says and it surprises me that he is struggling with his words because he never does.

"I wanted to be your first real customer." I say pushing the money towards him.

"You…dressed up…to come buy bread?" He says scanning me from head to toe.

"I thought we could both use a laugh…I look ridiculous." I say.

"You look beautiful." He whispers this and I feel chills run down my spine.

The way he is looking at me makes me so nervous I feel my palms begin to sweat and my heart start to beat so hard in my chest I fear it might jump out and run away.

"The cheese buns won't be done for a while…and technically you'd be my second customer because one of the construction guys came in here not so long ago." He says and my face falls.

"Why don't you stay a while though, I could use the company." He says motioning for me to join him in the back room.

I sit on the counter and watch him work for a bit.

"I'm sorry about this morning." He says after a few minutes of silence.

"Peeta, I'm fine really." I say hopping off the counter and stepping towards him.

"When you have those flash backs," I begin drawing a deep breath in as I will myself to continue speaking.

"The thing that scares me the most is not whether or not you'll hurt me, it's whether or not you'll come back to me. I can't lose you. I wouldn't be able to go on without you." I say and I find my eyes are welling up with tears at the thought of a life without him.

"It's your voice that helps me come back, you know. It's the feel of your hand on my shoulder, on my cheek." He says placing his hand on my shoulder, then moving it to my cheek. As his eyes meet mine I feel my heart begin to race again and for a moment I find myself feeling as if there are eyes on us, just as there always have been when we have moments like these. When I realize we are alone in his bakery I let out a breath of air and close my eyes just in time to feel his lips touching mine for the first time in weeks. He immediately draws back and rests his forehead on mine.

"I'm sorry…" he whispers.

"Don't be." I say and with that his lips are on mine again.

This is the first kiss Peeta has initiated, the first kiss where we are both conscious and dry and not confused. This is the first kiss that makes me feel like I'm happy, like there's life after the devastation from the war, like I can breathe again. He moves his hands from my cheeks to my hips and I wrap my arms around his neck as he pulls me close. As I feel the heat from his body radiate onto mine, I feel the hunger inside me growing and I deepen the kiss. I am lost in the way his hair feels as I run my fingers through it, and the way he leaves a trail of fire behind when he touches me. When we finally pull apart, we are both gasping for air and our faces are flushed.

"I missed that." I blurt out.

He smiles and places another very small kiss on my forehead.

"Me too."

The oven begins to beep bringing us back to reality and he pulls a tray of fresh bread out.

"Your cheese buns are ready." He says

"Finally…you've kept me waiting long enough." I say rolling my eyes.

We wait for the cheese buns to cool down a little bit and when I offer to keep him company the rest of the day, he refuses saying it would just be awfully boring for me and suggests I go haunting and try to catch him a squirrel. I take his suggestion and make my way into the woods once I've changed into my regular hunting clothes. I don't succeed in catching a squirrel but I do shoot a rabbit and take it home for dinner.

Peeta arrives right as Greasy Sae and I are busy setting the table and when he walks through the door I greet him with a smile and catch myself before my lips touch his. Greasy Sae's granddaughter is the only one who notices but she just smiles and returns to playing with her dolls. During dinner Peeta tells us about his day at the bakery. Greasy Sae asks questions about the business and says she's been thinking of opening a small place where she can sell different dishes and soups. She says it would be a good business especially now that they've announced the medicine factory they will soon be building in the district. Peeta encourages her to do so and he offers to help with whatever she needs, but she tells him it's just a thought she had.

I busy myself cleaning the dishes and Peeta offers to help but the shadows under his eyes tell me he's tired and I tell him to go to bed.

"I can wait for you." He says leaning against the wall in the kitchen.

"No, it's okay, you look like you're about to fall asleep standing up. Go on to bed. I'll be there soon." I say as I rinse a dish.

He approaches me and places a hand on my hip, spinning me around to face him.

"Don't be long." He whispers in my ear and then takes my breath away with a quick kiss.

When I finally make my way upstairs and climb in bed with him, I lie awake for a while listening to the steady sound of his breathing. I feel something stir in my stomach as I watch his chest rise and fall with every breath he takes. I don't know what drives me to do it but the words come out without effort.

"Peeta,I think…I love you." I say as I move a lose strand of hair out of his face.

I'm not sure if he can hear me, I hope he can't, but I feel a weight lift as soon as the words leave my mouth. Peeta stirs a little and my heart speeds up thinking he is awake and he's heard what I just said.

He doesn't wake up, he just wraps his arms around me and pulls me close and in his sleep he whispers, "I love you, too."

**A/N: Fun fact: The idea for the last line came from my husband. When he is asleep and I'm awake I tell him "I love you" and even in his sleep he tells me "I love you, too." It's downright sweet. **

**I will update sometime in January!**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: I know I totally cheated and waited til the last day in Jan. to update but here it is. It's kind of short and a bit filler but I needed it here. Notice the rating has changed because *drumroll* a sex scene is approaching. Now I don't want you to think it's explicit because it is definitely not at all, I'm just covering my ass in case people think it's more M than T. **

**I really really really appreciate all of your reviews, you guys are super sweet and it means a lot that you like my story. Please excuse any grammatical and spelling errors you most likely will find.**

**Thank you all! Read, enjoy, review.**

Summer arrives in District 12 and the weather becomes erratic and I am reminded this is one of the things my home is known for.

On one of the days when the heat is unbearable I decide to take Peeta to the lake my father took me when I was younger. He decides to pack food for a picnic and I grow impatient because all I want is to jump in the water to try and escape this heat.

"We don't need to make a day out of it, Peeta. I just want to go for a swim." I say but he insists in having a picnic.

When we finally make it to the small lake we are both covered in beads of sweat and when he busies himself laying a blanket on the grass and I'm sure he is not looking, I strip down to my undergarments and walk in the lake. Once he's set everything up, he finally looks up and looks from my clothes to me, and then back to my clothes.

"I told you I wanted to go for a swim." I tell him enjoying the feel of the cool water against my skin.

He shakes his head and chuckles a little.

"How can you stand being out of the water right now?" I ask.

"Can't swim remember?" He says and I'm reminded of the Quarter Quell.

I am about to offer to teach him when I notice the large bug flying around the fruit Peeta has laid out on the blanket. Its gold color makes it unmistakable and I am frozen with fear. Fear for Peeta's mind because if the insect stings him I'm afraid I might lose him forever.

Thoughts race through my mind as I think of a way to alert Peeta without scaring him half to death. I walk slowly out of the water, and if it were a different situation I'd be self-conscious and blushing madly because I'm nearly nude. Peeta takes one look at me and immediately adverts his eyes. I kneel right in front of him, my eyes not leaving the insect.

"Listen carefully." I whisper.

"Why are you—"

I place my hands on his cheeks and stare into his eyes. He must see the fear in my face because his pupils become dilated.

"Stand up slowly and follow me into the water."

He nods when he hears the seriousness in my voice. We begin walking towards the water but Peeta's heavy steps swing rocks in the tracker jacker's direction and it begins flying towards us but before it can reach us we jump in. We remain under water until the buzzing fades and we are so deprived of breath we've begun turning blue.

When we reach the surface again I take the largest breath I can manage as I try to hold Peeta above the water.

I don't have to swim far to get us back to land but when we reach it, we both collapse on the grass. I look over at him as he is trying to catch his breath and I burst into tears.

"What? Katniss. What's. Wrong." He says breathlessly and I throw myself at him kissing him everywhere. Forehead, cheeks, nose, lips, neck. The desperation I feel reminds me of the Quarter Quell, when he'd walked straight into the force field and his heart had stopped. I begin sobbing more as the thought of losing him crosses my mind again.

"I can't lose you. I can't lose you." I say between sobs.

"You won't I'm not going any where." He says and I place my lips on his again because I need him close, I need to make sure he's there.

We don't return to the lake after the tracker jacker incident and I make it a point to call Dr. Aurelius and tell him what happened. He tells me I did the right thing, a sting could have sent Peeta into a relapse and there would be no telling on whether or not he would be able to recover.

* * *

><p>My mother calls one day when I'm stuck in the house in the middle of a storm.<p>

"Hello?" I say expecting it to be Peeta, who's recently had a phone installed in the bakery.

"Katniss, honey?" I hear her soft voice from the other line.

"Oh, hi mom. I thought- how are you?" I ask shocked to hear from her.

"I'm doing well sweetie. Did I catch you at the wrong time?" She asks and I think she's insinuating something but I don't know what.

"No, of course not. I'm actually stuck in the house right now. It's pouring outside."

"Oh, well I hope Peeta is keeping you company." She says and I look over at the empty spot where he usually sits sketching.

"He's at the bakery, mom. It's just me and buttercup." The cat meows at the mention of his name.

"Just as well. I need to speak with you about some private matters…I'm not sure you'd want Peeta around to hear."

Her comment sparks my curiosity and a million thoughts run through my mind. I don't know what it is my mother wants to talk to me about but Peeta and I tell each other everything now so I doubt there's anything I wouldn't want him to hear.

"What do you mean? Peeta and I tell each other everything."

"If you bring this up with him, that's for you to decide. But I was speaking to Annie and something came up…and honey I think it's something we need to talk about."

"Mom, you're scaring me, what are you talking about?"

"I think you should start taking contraceptives." She speaks the words and I begin choking on the breath I was about to take. I cough for about a minute before my mother speaks again.

"Katniss, are you alright? Did you hear what I said?"

"Mom…what on earth. Yes I heard what you said. I don't need to take contraceptives, mother. I'm okay." I hear myself becoming irritated.

"Katniss, from what I hear, you and Peeta have grown closer." I feel myself blush and I am suddenly glad Peeta isn't here to listen to this nonsense.

"From what you've _heard_? Who have you talked to? Haymitch is a drunk, he doesn't know anything!"

"Katniss don't be stubborn. I'll be sending the pills on the next train. One pill every week and you don't have to worry about an unexpected pregnancy." The moment I hear the words I want to dig myself a hole and crawl in it so no one will find me.

"Mom, it's not like that with us, you don't have to." I try to say but she refuses to hear anything more and changes the subject.

Sure enough, a week later when the next train arrives, there's a small package for me. Peeta hands it to me without asking what the contents might be and I place it deep inside one of my drawers where it stays hidden until one day when Peeta is helping with laundry.

I enter the room to find him frozen in front of my dresser, at first I think he is having a flashback but when I call out his name he gets startled and drops the bottle to the ground.

He picks it up quickly and my eyes become glued to the floor. I am so embarrassed, and my face is so hot I fear I might burst into flames.

"Peeta, my mother, she thinks she knows things…" I struggle to find the words to say, to tell him that it wasn't my idea; that those things are not on my mind.

Suddenly I find myself wanting to cry because I've never thought about where my relationship with Peeta is going because even though our relationship has become physical, we have never talked about sex. I've never given a thought to doing anything more than kissing and holding each other in the dark, and I'm afraid I'm so broken I might not be able to offer him more than that.

He must see the way my eyes are filling with tears because he sets the bottle of pills on top of my dresser before approaching me, and wrapping his arms around me.

"You don't have to explain." He whispers, but I feel like I do.

"I don't know if I'll ever be able to give you, anything..." I begin but he lifts my chin up and covers my mouth with his.

"Katniss, I'm fine with this. You don't have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable." He is trying to be reassuring, to make me feel better, but I only end up crying harder because it's not fair that he should be stuck with a broken shell of a girl who can't give him what he deserves.

"I'm no good for you." I say sobbing into his shirt.

"Don't say that." He says softly, as he tightens his grip on me.

"It's the truth. Haymitch was right when he said I could live a thousand lifetimes and not deserve you." I say.

"No, it isn't." he says firmly grabbing me by the shoulders and holding me at arms length so he can look into my eyes.

"You _are_ good for me. You bring me back from my flashbacks, you saved me from that tracker jacker."

I shake my head because the thought has snaked its way into my head and there's no way to get it out now.

"You deserve a real woman." I say before I walk out of the room and lock myself in the bathroom as Peeta calls my name behind me.

I stay locked in my bathroom until late in the afternoon and when I finally venture out, I find the house is empty. I lie in bed thinking of something to say to Peeta when he returns from wherever he's gone, but nothing comes to me.

When he finally comes back, he stands at the door watching me for a while.

"You should eat something." He says.

"I'm not hungry." I say.

He climbs into bed with me and wraps his arms around me, pulling me towards him.

"You are a real woman, Katniss. You're everything I want. I will never ask anything of you that makes you uncomfortable. I will never demand anything. All I need is you next to me when I wake up." He whispers in my ear.

And that's when I make up my mind, that's when I decide that I'm broken, but he is putting me back together, that there might come a day when I'm whole again and I can give him everything he deserves.

"I can't make you any promises," I begin as I look into his eyes.

"I don't want you to promise me anything."

"I—I want to give you something, I want to be yours. I can't say when, but if you are patient with me, as you've been all this time—"I say placing a small kiss on his lips.

"Then maybe—maybe some day I can give you _that_. Maybe someday I can give you all of me." I say

He nods and pulls my lips back to his.

**A/N:** **I make no promises but I will update as soon as I can! **


	12. Chapter 12

**UPDATE: Nothing new, just went through and fixed some spelling/grammar errors. I'm hoping to have another chapter ready for you guys by the end of April or begining of May. I apologize a million times over for being so slow in updating, but thank you so much for your reviews and support. **

Peeta is cautious when he begins to explore my body with his hands. His eyes never leave mine as he leaves trails of goose bumps behind with every touch. I let out a squeaking sound when his fingers reach my lower back. He jerks his hand away looking preoccupied but I give him a reassuring smile.

"It just tickled." I say letting out the breath I hadn't realized I was holding.

"You will tell me if any of this makes you uncomfortable, right?" he asks.

I nod and lead his hand back to the last spot it touched. He continues to draw paths with his fingers and they fingers trail the seam of my shirt and linger there for a while until he moves elsewhere. It's like this for a few nights before his hands finally wander under my shirt.

We don't do anything past exploring each other's bodies under the covers and shed a few items of clothing during hot nights but with every touch I feel something inside me stir and soon enough I long to have him closer, I feel the hunger growing. I decide to take the pills my mother sent me but make no mention of it to Peeta.

* * *

><p>I wake up one morning to the sound of knocking at my door. It's one of the days when Peeta doesn't open the bakery so his arms are still tightly wrapped around me. I try to untangle myself from him but he just pulls me closer, a gesture that brings a smile to my face.<p>

"Peeta…someone's at the door…" I say softly.

"Let them knock. They'll leave eventually. It's probably just Haymitch anyway."

"I don't want to be rude. I'll come back to bed when I see who it is and what they want okay?" I say and he finally lets go.

"I'm holding you to that."

Peeta sits up and I feel his eyes on me as I get dressed.

"What?"

"You're beautiful." He says.

His words are so simple but they still manage to make my cheeks burn furiously because I still find it difficult to take compliments, especially from him.

I give him a smile before walking out of the room.

When I open the door my heart almost stops and my mind goes blank.

Her gray eyes have a spark in them, and she doesn't look as tired as she did last time I saw her.

"Hazelle—" I barely manage to choke out her name before she has me wrapped in a hug.

"Katniss! It's so good to see you."

She looks different, less worn, and younger. I'd almost forgotten how much of a looker she was because her beauty had been eclipsed by her fatigue, her struggle to keep her children fed.

"I hope I'm not intruding, Gale is here on business, and I thought I'd come see how you were doing."

"Gale…he's here?"

"Oh, he said he might give you a call. Guess he didn't." She says.

There's an awkward moment between us as she stands at my door and I struggle to process the fact that she is actually here until we hear Peeta's heavy steps on the stairs.

"Katniss? What did Haymitch want?"

"It's…not Haymitch." I say.

"Sorry, I'm being rude, come on in Hazelle." I say opening the door wide for her to finally come in.

When Peeta sees her, his eyes widen but hers light up. From what I understand, when we were in 13 she became fond of him.

"Peeta! Look at you, you look so healthy!" she says and wraps him up and a hug.

Peeta finally smiles and returns her hug.

"Rory, Vick, and Posy with you?" he asks but she shakes her head.

"The kids stayed back in District 2 with Johanna."

I struggle not to burst into laughter when she mentions Johanna and the image of her taking care of children makes it's way into my head.

"Johanna is in 2 as well?" Peeta asks.

"Yeah she joined us a few weeks back when a job opened and Gale offered it to her."

"Gale is here?"

"Yes, he's at the new Justice Building right now. I'm so sorry to show unannounced but I thought he'd called." She says sounding mortified.

"It's not a problem, it's good to see you."

I'm thankful for Peeta's ability to hold the conversation because it seems I've forgotten how to talk altogether. I leave them in the living room and make my way to the kitchen where I take deep breaths and pull myself together before returning with a cup of tea for Hazelle.

"Oh, thank you, Katniss, you needn't have bothered."

I giver a weak smile as I take my seat next to Peeta.

"Katniss, I was just telling Hazelle, she and Gale are more than welcome to join us for dinner tonight. Maybe we can all catch up?" he says.

I nod, afraid if I try to speak my voice will betray me.

"Are you sure it's no trouble?" she asks looking at me.

I know what she is really asking though. She wants to know if I've forgiven Gale, if I'm okay with seeing him.

"Yes, I'll have Haymitch and Greasy Sae and her granddaughter stop by too." I say and hope that my voice is steady, because to be honest the answer in no, I'm not ready to see Gale face to face, but I decide it's now or never.

When Hazelle leaves Peeta turns to me and I can see he's worried.

"Peeta, I'll be fine." I tell him wrapping my arms around his neck.

He nods and places a kiss on my forehead.

"I know you will." He says pulling away from me.

"I'll go see Haymitch, hopefully he can sober up enough to join us tonight." I say before walking out the door.

Haymitch's place is still a dump. The smell of spoiled food and alcohol saturate the air and I have to pinch my nose in order to stop myself from gagging.

"Hey, sweetheart. What brings you here today? Fight with your boy? Bringing your old mentor some gifts in the form of clear liquor?"

"None of the above."

"Well, if you ain't got liquor, you might as well leave."

"Hazelle and Gale are in town." I say and he raises an eyebrow.

"Are you ever going to stop having boy problems?" he says shaking his head.

"We're having them over for dinner, and Peeta and I would like you to be there." I tell him.

"Well, well, this should be awful entertaining. You going to come drink with me afterwards like you did when Blondie was visiting? Or will it be Peeta's turn?" He says.

I shake my head and groan just thinking of that night and the massive headache I endured the morning after.

"No one will be drinking."

He gives me a questioning look.

"You don't count." I say and I hear him chuckle before I leave.

When Hazelle and Gale arrive I'm still upstairs getting dressed. I'm so nervous I can feel myself shake, and the fact that I've spoken to Gale on the phone does nothing to ease my anxiety. I take a few deep breaths and tell myself that everything will be fine, before making my way downstairs.

I find Gale sitting on the couch helping Greasy Sae's granddaughter draw something. He looks up when he hears me, and his gray eyes meet mine. My heart stops and I find myself wanting to run back upstairs to hide, but he gives me a soft smile and it makes my anxiety disappear.

"Hey there Catnip, you didn't think you could sneak up on me did you?" he says as he stands up and walks toward me.

"I wasn't trying to." I say before we wrap our arms around each other in a tight embrace.

Suddenly, with Gale's arms around me, I'm aware of how empty a part of my heart had been. The part reserved for my hunting partner, my best friend. We are still hugging when Haymitch walks in the door.

"Oh, goody, just in time for the show am I?" he says loudly.

I let go of Gale and give Haymitch a glare.

"Hey there old man, you're looking rough as usual." Says Gale.

"And you're looking less broody than usual. Weird, is it _this_ girl or did you finally find yourself a different one?"

Gale let's out a nervous chuckle and dismisses Haymitch's comment.

Haymitch takes a seat on the couch and Gale joins him when I excuse myself to go help in the kitchen.

Peeta has just put a batch of rolls in the oven, Greasy Sae is busy cooking some meat and Hazelle is chopping some onions and carrots.

"Would you like some help?" I ask.  
>"How about you and Peeta start setting the table? This here should be ready to serve in a few minutes." Says Greasy Sae.<p>

Peeta and I grab a few plates and take them into the dining room.

He looks at me tentatively and I can feel he wants to say something but he keeps quiet. When the table is set I grab his hand and give it a small squeeze to let him know I'm fine.

"Peeta," I begin, but he stops me by placing his lips on mine.

Something about the urgency behind his kiss unsettles me. He holds me tightly against him as his lips move against mine and he hesitates to let go, as if he thinks I will disappear, as if he thinks this kiss might be our last. That's when I realize he's not worried about what Gale's presence might do to me. He's worried about what it might do to _us_.

Everyone talks during dinner; I mostly just keep quiet and listen to what they have to say. Peeta asks Gale about his job in District 2 and I must admit I'm surprised by how civilized they seem around each other. Hazelle discusses her job and the well being of her children. Peeta mentions Johanna and I notice Gale's cheeks turn red which takes me by surprise. The only time I ever saw him wear his emotions on his face was when he'd speak ill of the Capitol, and the one time he told me he loved me.

Gale offers to help clean up and refuses to take no for an answer.

"Have you told him yet?" he asks as he puts food away in the fridge.

"Have you told Johanna about your little crush?"

"What?"

"Don't play dumb." I say laughing.

"Jo and I are just friends." He says.

"Jo huh?"

"You jealous?" he jokes.

"No." I say becoming serious.

"I'm glad you came though." I say and turn to face him.

"I'm glad I came too."

He takes me in his arms, and I notice he doesn't radiate the anger he used to.

"Catnip…" he whispers and when I look up again into his gray eyes, I know what is about to happen, but I do nothing to stop it.

My mind goes blank and when Gale's lips touch mine, I feel nothing. The kiss is brief and I can't help but compare his lips to Peeta's, and the biggest difference is that Peeta's are the only ones I want to be kissing.

He pulls away and I avoid his gaze.

"I just had to know, I had to make sure there was nothing left."

"I love him." I whisper and he nods.

"I know."

I hear a loud crash outside the kitchen and when I walk out I discover Peeta has dropped the plates he was carrying and his mind has left him. His eyes are dark and he is looking at me like he did when he was first rescued from The Capitol, like he despises me. Peeta's flashbacks don't come often and when they do he recovers quickly, but this one is different. Haymitch holds him back as he tries to lunge at me and I break down in the corner of the room, closing my eyes and trying to tune out all the harsh things he is saying to me.

Gale is at my side trying to calm me down but I push him away. Greasy Sae grabs her granddaughter and Hazelle and they step out of the house when they realize what is happening.

"Mutt! You'll never change! It wasn't enough when you broke my heart, you won't stop until I'm dead!" he keeps saying and struggling against Haymitch.

Peeta turns his gaze towards Gale and the fire in his eyes is terrifying. I've never seen him so angry, he is so far gone I'm afraid I'll never get him back.

"He's here to help you finish me off, isn't he?"

He continues to struggle against Haymitch and when it seems the old drunk has had enough he punches him knocking him unconscious.

I hear him hit the floor and even after all the angry words he's just said to me, I worry that he's really hurt and I run to his side pushing Haymitch away.

"Get away from him!"

In the back of my mind I know there's no way Haymitch's fist could cause that much damage but I press my ear to his chest listening for his heart.

"That boy wasn't going to stop, don't be mad at me for saving your ass, sweetheart." He says.

"Help me get him upstairs." I say through my tears.

Haymitch and Gale carry Peeta upstairs and lay him down on the bed.

"Katniss," Gale begins when we are downstairs again and Haymitch has left. I know that tone, I know what's coming and I don't want to hear it.

"Don't." I say glaring at him.

"You don't know what I'm going to say."

"You want to say this is no place for me, you want to say he's dangerous, he could kill me."

His eyes bore into mine but I don't look away.

"I gave up on him in District 13 but he still found his way back to me. He's always found his way back to me." I say.

"So what happens when he's so far gone you can't get him back? What happens if when he wakes up he still wants to kill you?"

"I will look after him until he returns to me."

"You really do love him then?"

I nod. Hazelle walks in the door looking worried. She asks how Peeta is and we tell her he should be fine once he wakes up. Gale tells me they will be leaving for District 12 at sunrise and they stay with me until I begin to nod off on the couch. I hear Hazelle say goodbye as she covers me with a blanket.

"Take care of yourself, Catnip." Gale whispers before he place a kiss on my forehead.

"Gale," I say grabbing his hand and pulling him close.

"Tell her." I say looking into his eyes.

"She's so difficult." He says letting out a sigh.

"Tell her." I say again before closing my eyes and falling into a deep sleep.

* * *

><p>I wake up covered in sweat throughout the night, each time from a different nightmare. I want so bad to walk upstairs and lie down next to Peeta and have him wrap his arms around me, but he needs sleep and I don't want to wake him up. When I finally wake up in the morning I hear his footsteps upstairs and decide to check on him. I find him pacing in our room.<p>

"Peeta, are you alright?" He stops becomes still at the sound of my voice.

"I suppose so." He says and I notice the edge in his voice.

"You kissed Gale last night, real or not real?" he asks looking up at me, his blue eyes clouded with confusion.

I feel as if his words have knocked the wind out of me. He saw us. He saw that meaningless kiss.

"Peeta…" I whisper and he flinches at the sound of my voice.

"Real or Not Real, Katniss?" he asks again.

I don't blame him for being jealous. I don't blame him for being angry; I don't blame him for the disappointment and hurt I see in his eyes.

My eyes begin to fill with tears and his question goes unanswered.

"Guess you're still not interested in asking for permission." He says recalling the conversation we had when he was trying to figure me out in District 13.

"No, that's not it, Peeta. That kiss—It wasn't what you think…it didn't mean anything" I struggle to find the words to explain what exactly Gale's kiss was.

"It was goodbye, Peeta. He knows…"

"He knows what Katniss? What is it he knows and _I_ don't? Please explain it to me because I am tired of being kept in the dark about every thing." he asks raising his voice, frustrated.

"He knows I'm yours!" I fire back and he meets my gaze with wide eyes.

"_He_ knows I'm yours, Haymitch knows I'm yours, Hazelle, Greasy Sae, her grand daughter, _all of Panem_ knows I'm yours. Why don't you?" I say, my voice barely a whisper by the end.

He stares at me and I hold my breath as I wait for a response. In the blink of an eye he crosses the room, pinning me against the wall. For a second I think he might be having another flashback, but those thoughts disappear as his lips crash hard against mine. It's not like the others, this kiss, it's not gentle or cautious; it's hungry and desperate. He presses hard into me, every part of his body touching mine, and still somehow it feels like we cannot get close enough. The heat radiating between us, combined with the hunger that's been growing inside me, sets me ablaze and this is how I know that I'm ready, that I can't wait any longer to be his…_all his_. I had always looked at sex as a primal instinct sometimes driven by lust. But as my hands slip under his shirt, feeling every scar, every muscle I realize this is more than that, I _need_ to be close to him.

I don't know how to let him know except by pressing my hips into his and pulling his shirt over his head. I kiss him everywhere, his neck his shoulders, his cheeks and he must see the wheels in head turning because very suddenly he stops and gently pushes me away.  
>"If you think you owe me something…you don't" he says looking into his eyes.<p>

"I do. I owe you my life." I whisper.

He takes a step back.

"That's not why I'm doing this…" I say taking a step closer.

I grab his hand and place it over my heart. I'm no good with words; I'm better with actions so when I know he's felt how fast my heart is beating I place my lips on his again. We shed our clothes and for a while I become conscious of the hideous scars that cover my body. I lift my arms to cover my self up but he stops me.

"You are beautiful, your scars are beautiful."

We find ourselves in our bed, our bare bodies touching. His frantic kisses become cautious, tender, and when we finally become one and I let out a whimper, he places the the gentlest kiss on my forehead.

"We can stop." He says looking into my eyes.

I shake my head and biting my lips. I've felt pain before, the kind of burning pain that made me wish I were dead. This pain is different; this pain makes me happy to have survived. So I pull his lips down to mine and encourage him to continue.

He whispers words of reassurance in my ear; he tells me he loves me and eventually the pain goes away.

I think about how right this feels and this is how I know this would have happened anyway. _That what I need to survive is not Gale's fire kindled with rage and hatred. I have plenty of fire myself. What I need is the dandelion in the spring. The bright yellow that means rebirth instead of destruction. The promise that life can go on no matter how bad our losses. That it can be good again and only Peeta can give me that.  
><em>

_So after when I'm wrapped in his arms and he whispers, "You love me. Real or not real?"  
><em>

_I tell him, "Real"_


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: My muse ran away from me for a couple of months. Forgive her, she decided to take a vacation.  
>One chapter left (An epilogue of sorts). I have about half of it written but My wedding is quickly approaching (I mentioned I was married before, but only by law, so this will be our religious wedding and huge party!) so if you don't hear from me for a while, That's why.<br>Thank you for all your suport. I hope you enjoy this chapter.**

**As always, read and review and message me your thoughts.**

**XO,**

**Ana**

* * *

><p>The sun is shining through the window and the heat of the day is already making beads of sweat appear on my forehead. Peeta's arms are still around me, last night's events rush through my head. The closeness of our bodies, the initial rush of pain; the sweet and soft words he whispered in my ear and the final release that left me lightheaded and breathless. I feel myself blush as I realize our bare bodies are still pressed against each other. His breathing is steady but he begins drawing circles on my stomach with his fingers, this is how I know he is awake. I turn to look at him and he peeks at me through the mess of hair that has fallen over his eyes.<p>

"Hi" I say shyly.

"You're blushing…why?" he says smiling.

"It's just that this—is—it's just new." I say and blush even harder.

"Good new, or Bad new?" he asks as a worried look crosses his face.

"Good new." I assure him.

"Katniss, last night," he seems to be at a loss for words.

"You said Real." I can hear a hint of doubt in his voice, like he doesn't know if I did or not.

"I meant it. I love you." I say, my voice barely a whisper. This is the first time I've said those words out loud, the first time I mean for him to hear me, and it makes me wonder why I waited so long to tell him.

* * *

><p><strong><em>Weeks Later<em>**

I'm sitting alone in the house, flipping through our memorial book when the phone rings.

"Ms. Everdeen! It's a pleasure to finally hear your voice again!" I hear Plutarch Heavenbee's resonant voice through the phone.

The fact that he is calling me unsettles me.

"Hi, Plutarch. Is there something wrong?"

"Not at all, I was simply calling for Mr. Mellark is he around?" he says.

I blush knowing that if Plutarch Heavensbee knows Peeta and I are living together, all of Panem must know as well.

"No, sir, he's working at the bakery." I tell him.

"Ah, Peeta, always such a hard worker, won't even take a day off to celebrate his eighteenth birthday, huh?" he chuckles.

But his words have made me go silent. Peeta's Birthday is today, and I hadn't even realized it. To be fair, we don't even have a calendar around the house so I really had no way of knowing.

"Well, I can tell him you called." I finally say.

"I'd greatly appreciate that Ms. Everdeen. Give my best regards to your old mentor as well." He says before hanging up.

I don't even bother to knock on Haymitch's door before I walk in. I'm surprised to find him up and about when I enter the house.

"Yes, sweetheart, let yourself in why don't you?"

"You never answer so I don't even bother to knock anymore"

"Fair enough. What brings you here today, I know it's not my sunny personality" He says letting out a chuckle.

"Plutarch Heavensbee just called."

"What's that fruity bastard want this time?"

"He wanted to wish Peeta a happy birthday." I say.

"Ah, yeah that's right." He studies my face before speaking again.

"You forgot too then?" he asks.

"Not necessarily, we don't have a calendar so how was I supposed to know?"

"So then why are you here? I'm not up for throwing parties so if that's what you want, the answer is no." he says.

"Come to dinner. I'm going to go hunting and I'll cook."

"You? Cook?" he says laughing.

"I can cook!" I say offended.

"Sure thing, sweetheart. He might appreciate it, but I know you're not exactly domestic. I think I'll pass."

"It's his birthday, Haymitch, we're all he has now." I tell him

"Oh for Pete's sake. If I'd known you were going to guilt trip me I would've agreed right away."

"Good and clean yourself up, you smell." I say before walking out and making my way to the woods.

I come home around noon with a few rabbits and some wild onions. After skinning the rabbits I sit in the kitchen staring at the meat, trying to think of something to cook. Haymitch was right; I'm not domestic at all but I shake that though off and decide to try my hand at a stew.

Everything is ready when Peeta walks in. He looks from Haymitch who is seated at the table, to me with a questioning look.

"What's going on?" he asks.

I wrap my arms around him.

"Katniss, what's wrong?" he asks tightening his grip.

"Happy eighteenth birthday, Peeta." I whisper in his ear.

"Oh…" he says breathing out a sigh of relief.

Haymitch stands up and pats him awkwardly on the back.

"Happy birthday, boy." He says.

The exchange makes me smile.

We sit to eat and Peeta compliments me on my cooking, even though I know he's just being nice. I watch as Haymitch takes spoonful of stew to his mouth.  
>"I've had worse." He says when he realizes I'm waiting for his reaction.<p>

"I would've made you a cake, but we know what happened last time I tried to bake." I tell Peeta.

"This is perfect Katniss, thank you."

"And I would've got you a present but we both forgot it was your birthday, and you don't drink, so..."

I shoot Haymitch a death glare, which makes Peeta laugh.

"Well, just having my family here is enough." He says and it makes my heart flutter as images of blonde children flash through my head. I shake the though off quickly.

Haymitch who is not used to showing affection of any kind, or being shown any affection for that matter, has become speechless. An awkward silence begins to take over so I clear my throat and announce that we have some cookies left from the last batch Peeta baked.

"We can have them for dessert" I say smiling.

I clear their plates and make my way to the kitchen.

I can hear Peeta and Haymitch trying to whisper as I look for the cookies. After a couple of minutes I find them in a jar, realizing that, obviously, the kitchen is Peeta's territory and I should've asked him where they were to begin with.

I can still hear Peeta and Haymitch whispering as I make my way back to the dinning room.

"What are you two whispering about like old ladies?" I say.

I walk in to see Peeta holding a box he quickly closes and tries to conceal. The sight of it has frozen me in place.

I look from the place where the box had just been to Peeta, to Haymitch.

"What—what was that?" I ask, my voice trembling.

"Katniss, you weren't supposed to see it yet." He says.

But I did. I saw the small gold ring; I saw the pearl that sat on top.

"Yet?" I don't how there is any room in my head for words but they still come out.

"Yeah, yet. I know you're not ready. I wasn't going to ask yet."

There's that word again. _Yet_. As if I'm ever going to be ready for that. That vision of the blonde children flashes through my head again and I feel my face get hot.

"_Yet_, Peeta? _Yet_?" I'm raising my voice now.

"Here we go." I hear Haymitch whisper.

"I can't get married…I can't be your _wife_!"

"Katniss…" he begins, but I cut him off.

"No, Peeta. I told you from the beginning. You knew I didn't want to be your wife." I don't care much to think about the words I'm saying until I see the look on his face.

He looks like as if I've just struck him across the face. He looks like he did on that first train ride back from the Capitol when I told him it was all an act. When will I ever stop breaking his heart?

"Wait, Peeta…" I say reaching for him because I suddenly feel like he's drifting away.

"I didn't know the idea of being married to me would be so repulsing."

"It doesn't, Peeta—That's not what I-" but my voice fails me and I feel the tears coming on, so before he sees me cry I run out of the house. I run in the darkness and into the woods until my feet cannot carry me further. A million thoughts run through my mind as my body shakes violently with sobs.

I stay out for a while before I decide to return home. I open the door half expecting Peeta to be gone. But when I walk in I find that he has fallen asleep on the couch, probably waiting for me. On the coffee table I find our memory book open to Finnick O'Dair's page, with the picture of his newborn son lying on top. I watch Peeta sleep for a while before I snuggle up to him.

"You're back," he says groggily.

"I'm sorry, I wanted your birthday to be special. I ruined it."

"Katniss, honestly. I didn't know it was my birthday..."

I cut him off by placing my lips on his. He pulls me agains him and it feels so good to have him close.

"I love you, I can't survive without you." I tell him when we finally break apart.

"So then why won't you marry me?"

"Nothing good ever stays good for me."

"You're afraid of marrying me because you think something will happen to me?"

I nod. I don't want to lose him again, I lost him once and it almost broke me. I'm certain if something happened to him I'd lose my mind. I saw how my mother lost hers when my father died. I saw the light go out in Hazelle's eyes when she lost her husband. I can't imagine what Annie must be going through.

"Marriage ends in loss, in madness." I whisper.

He shakes his head.

"Not real." His lips capture mine in a soft kiss.

"Marry me, Katniss. Marry me and I promise I'll stick around, until we are old and senile. Please marry me." He says looking into my eyes.

And in that moment with his hands holding mine tightly and the emotion in his voice reaching through to the depths of my heart, I can't imagine not being with him. I can't bear to imagine him calling someone else his wife. Before I can speak, my mind recalls my first memory of his face, of the face that gave me hope. I see him throwing those burnt loaves of bread in my direction. The burnt loaves of bread that saved my life, and that's when I realize I've been tied to him since that day. That maybe that was the universe letting me know I would be his. I am his.

"Okay." I whisper.

"Okay?" he asks.

"I'll marry you. I'll be your wife." I say and watch as his eyes light up.

He pulls the tiny black box I saw earlier and when he opens it I see our lives together shining on that pearl. The burnt bread, Effie pulling his name out of the reaping bowl. The interview when he announced his feelings for me to the nation. Our first kiss. The kiss that made me want more. All the nights together during the victory tour. His fake proposal and our fake baby. The night on the beach during the quarter quell. The night I found out he hadn't been rescued and the night we got him back and he'd tried to kill me. His conversation with Gale and the way he stopped me from jumping to my death. The primroses he planted and the way I found shelter from my grief and sadness in his arms. All these things run through my head like a film and I know they all led up to this, the boy with the bread, patient as always, putting me back together. Loving me so much, leaving me no choice but to heal.

"It's not the same one." He tells me when he notices me staring at the pearl.

"But Haymitch told me how much you loved the other one. How you would hold it when we weren't together." He says taking the ring out of the box.

"Everyone knew I loved you. I'm sorry it took me so long to realize it." I say as he slides the ring onto my finger.

"I love you. I would've waited for you. All that matters now is that you did." He says and I close the distance between us.


	14. Epilogue

**AN: Here it is, the final Chapter. Thanks everyone who followed this story until the end. Your encouragement and support helped me fight through all those spells of writer's block and the lack of inspiration. Please don't hesitate to message me here, or follow me on Tumblr (link is on my profile page.) I will be going over this story and re-editing but there will be no major plot changes. **

**Pardon any grammar/spelling errors**

**Read, enjoy, review.**

**I do not own The Hunger Games**

Haymitch notices my ring when I come to bring him food. He looks from the it to my face and raises an eyebrow at me.

"You didn't have to make a scene if you were just going to say yes, sweetheart."

I punch him playfully but he catches my wrist and pulls me in for a hug. He smells of sweat and alcohol, and my eyes begin to water at the old man's gesture.

"That boy deserves to be happy. Make sure you do a good job making it happen." He says. I nod when he releases me and his gray eyes remain on me.

"Though you said I could live a hundred lifetimes and not deserve him?" I say.

"After all you've been through, no one deserves that boy more than you sweetheart." He says and we both pretend not to notice the tears that are rolling down my cheeks.

* * *

><p>Fall arrives and we celebrate Haymitch's birthday and mine together. Peeta bakes a cake for us and Greasy Sae cooks a feast. Peeta and I do our toasting that night when everyone has gone home. We sit in front of the fire and share a loaf of burnt bread. The taste reminds me of the bread that kept me alive all those years ago.<p>

"This isn't the first loaf of burnt bread we've shared," I say after, when we are lying on the floor and my head is resting on his chest, listening to the steady rhythm of his heart.

"I know." He smiles.

"That means we've basically been married since we were eleven." I say.

"You were a horrible wife for the first five years. You didn't even talk to me." He says chuckling.

"You weren't any better…" I say as he positions himself so that he's hovering over me.

"That doesn't matter now." He whispers, placing kisses on my temples, my cheeks, and my lips.

"You're my wife, real or not real?" he whispers before he trails more kisses from my ear to my neck.

"Real." I say.

"I've dreamed about this for longer than any man would care to admit." He says before he brings his lips back up to mine.

His words ignite the fire inside me and I decide I must have him as close as possible. I tug at his shirt and he gets the hint lifting it over his head and throwing it on the floor. He kisses me again as my hands run over his back, touching every scar. Peeta's arms encircle me and he rolls onto his back so that I'm lying on top of him, still kissing him. His hands fumble with the zipper of my dress but he finally pulls it down and minutes later we are naked and tangled and twisted together.

We fall asleep on the floor and I wake up in the middle of the night to find him staring at me.

"Peeta?" I call out his name, hoping he's not having a flashback.

"Hey." He says.

"What's wrong?" I ask when I notice the moisture in his eyes.

"Nothing, I'm just so happy. You've made me so extremely happy."

"I'm happy too." I tell him.

Happiness was something I thought was beyond me. After losing my sister, after being left with nothing, he's made it so I can be happy again.

I call my mother the next day and tell her about our toasting. We cry together on the phone as she wishes me happiness and tells me how proud she is, how happy Prim would be.

* * *

><p><em><strong>4 Years Later<strong>_

He never asks, but I can see it in his eyes when children come into the bakery. When they are hiding shyly behind their mothers' legs and he gives them an iced cookie to put them at ease.

"Oh, Mr. Mellark, you don't have to."

"I want to." He says when the child grabs the cookie and smiles at him.

I can see his eyes full of yearning, and I wonder how, after having seen so many children perish at the hands of the capitol, he still wants children of his own.

"When are you two going to have some of your own?" asks the woman and I feel something stir in me. Guilt.

Peeta looks at me with longing eyes but somehow he reaches deep within himself and manages to bring a smile to his face.

"Nah, I don't think parenting is for us." He says.

"Oh, but you are so good with them." She says and my guilt grows.

Peeta just smiles as he takes the money she hands him.

"Thank you, Mr. Mellark." She says and then she looks to her child.

"Gus, you want to go give Mr. and Mrs. Mellark a hug and say thank you for your cookie?"

The child hesitates but he walks behind the counter and wraps his arms around my leg anyway. I am frozen but I hear Peeta let out a chuckle before crouching down so he can receive a hug from Gus.

"Thank you, Mr. Mellark." The child manages to say.

The smile he brings to Peeta's face stays there even after he is gone, reminding me of the things I can't give him.

* * *

><p><em><strong>5 Years Later<strong>_

Peeta finally musters up the courage to ask one night when I am wrapped in his arms on the verge of dreaming.

"Katniss?" he whispers.

"Yes?"

"Do you ever think…" he hesitates and instantly I know what kind of conversation this will be.

"Do you ever think about not taking your pills?" he asks.

"No." I tell him and close my eyes hoping this will be the end of it.

"It's safer now, Katniss. We're safe now." He says

"What if I can't love it? What if you lose your mind completely?" I let out without thinking. I can hear the fight leave his body as he sighs.

I turn to face him and place kiss on his lips.

"I didn't mean it that way. I'm sorry…Peeta, I know you're better. I love you, I wish I could give you what you wanted. But I simply can't. I'm sorry." I tell him as I stare into his eyes. He simply nods, kisses my forehead, and closes his yes.

* * *

><p><em><strong>10 Years Later.<strong>_

He hasn't asked in a long time and I begin to think, maybe he's given up. Maybe he's resigned himself to the idea that I will never give him a child. But I know that's not the case when we receive a package from District 4. The package holds pictures from Finn's 10th birthday party, and a thank you card he made for us.

"Dear Peeta and Katniss, thank you for the birthday presents you sent me. I love you, and miss you," the card reads. I see the smile as it forms in the back of Peeta's eyes and reaches his face.

"Look at him, he's so big now. Looks a lot like Finnick, doesn't he?" he says handing me the photos from his birthday party.

I nod as I look at the pictures. He looks so healthy and happy, for a moment I start to see what Peeta has been saying, about how things are better now, how we are safe now.

"It won't be long before he's twelve." I whisper and I recall the feeling I felt when Prim turned twelve. Worry, desperation.

"Things are different now Katniss." Peeta says wrapping his arms around me and trying to break me out of my trance. Surely he knows I'm thinking of Prim.

"It doesn't matter. Bad things always happen."

"No, no, stop thinking like that. Remember the good things. Remember that game Dr. Aurelius taught you." He pulls away from me so he can look into my eyes.

"What's the last good thing you saw someone do today?"

"You, with the children. Always with the children." I say.

"Katniss…"

"You with me. I don't—" I begin.

"Don't you dare say it. Don't you dare say you don't deserve me. _I love you. I want you. Always_" he says before his lips meet mine and my thoughts become focused on him. On the way his lips feel against my skin; on the way that even after all these years, he still ignites a fire within me.

* * *

><p><em><strong>15 years Later<strong>_

He comes to me in a dream after Peeta and I have a heated argument about why, after all these years, I'm still unwilling to have a child. He is sitting on a rock, when my feet make a noise he turns quickly, lifting up his bow, _my bow_, pointing an arrow straight at me. When he notices it's me he lowers the arrow and I see his gray Seam eyes light up.

"Hi, sweetie, been a while." He says.

"Dad, how are you here?" I hear myself say.

"Because I'm still here." He says placing a kiss on my forehead.

Tears begin to spill over as I wrap my arms around him, he still smells like coal and grass.

"I heard you're doing well for yourself." He says.

I look up at him through my tears and shake my head. I want to say that no, I let my sister die, I'm not doing well at all.

"No, Daddy, I let her die…" I say through my tears.

My father places his rough hands on my cheeks and wipes my tears with his thumbs.

"My sweet girl, you did all you could. It's been fifteen years, you need to let her go." His voice is soft but firm, and as the sound resonates through the forest, I notice that the chirping of the birds has stopped.

I shake my head.

"I can't, I can't forget her."

"I would never ask that of you, Katniss," he says.

Somehow we find ourselves in my meadow, it's filled with dandelions. My father bends down to pick one up and hands it to me.

"Remember when you got back…this meadow was black with ashes, and it took a long time, but eventually life returned to it."

I nod.

"It's time to let yourself make life, baby."

"I'm scared." I admit to him.

"It's always scary at first, I was scared, your mother was terrified. She didn't want children, you know." I look to him with wide eyes. I never knew.

"How did you change her mind?"

"Going to work in the mines everyday was a dangerous job. I told her if something happened to me, I wanted to leave proof, that we were together, that we defied all odds and we made it, together."

"And she agreed right away?"

"No, it took a while. Your mother is stubborn, you got your personality from her."

"But she gave in, eventually?"

"Yes. And the way her eyes lit up the first time she held you, let me know having you was right. That no matter how horrible this world was, we were holding a ray of hope in our arms."

I begin to cry again. It dawns on me that my mother's nightmares came true. That she didn't want children because they could be taken away, but she had them for my father. And she lost him, and I was sent into the bloodbath, and my little sister was taken from us. And here I was, with a better life, with a husband who loved me so unconditionally that even though I continued to break his heart, he still stuck around.

"Holding you girls in my arms for the first time remains my happiest memory" he says wrapping his arms around me.

"It's time for you and Peeta to feel the same…" he says when he lets go.

He picks up his bow and begins to walk away. I watch him from the place where I stand and in the distance I hear laughter. I know that laugh. She appears from behind a tree, and runs to my father, her blonde hair swaying in the wind. She lays her blue eyes on me and the smile on her face is as big as I remember. She bends down and picks up a yellow flower, and then she makes her way to me.

I let my tears flow as she hands me the flower. I wrap her up in a hug, stroking her hair, noticing her untucked shirt.

"I've missed you, little duck." I say through sobs.

"I've missed you too, Katniss." She whispers.

"I found Daddy though. We'll wait for you and mother, okay?" she says stroking my hair. Her words still the words of a grown up coming from the mouth of a child.

"I'm sorry I couldn't keep you safe."

She pulls away from me and looks into my eyes.

"You did everything you could for me. I will always love you for that." She says placing a kiss on my forehead.

I watch as she runs back to my father and he takes her hand in his. They are both waving, and I know they are leaving.

"We love you, Katniss." They both say as they begin to disappear into the woods.

I wake up sobbing hard; the dream had seemed so real. Peeta is awake with his arms around me in an instant.

"Shhhh, Katniss, you're alright, we're home, it was just a nightmare." He says.

"No…not a nightmare, not this time." I say in between sobs.

I catch a glimpse of the confused look he's wearing before I throw myself at him. My lips are on his, my hands in his hair. I pull away a bit and pull my shirt over my head throwing it on the floor.

"Katniss, your pills…"he says reminding me of our fight.

"I don't care…I'll give you want you want. I'll give you a baby." I whisper in his ear.

He shakes his head.

"I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do."

"I love you…nothing makes me happier than seeing you happy. If this is what you want, this is what I want." I tell him.

"Katniss…" he says still hesitant, but I silence him with my lips and he stops protesting.

"I need you to be sure. I need to know that if you become pregnant you'll want this child as much as I do." He says breaking our kiss.

"I do. I want a baby. I want _your _baby."

I stop taking the pills but month after month I find I'm not pregnant. I see the look of sadness overcome Peeta's face when I shake my head at him and tell him nothing is happening and for a while I think maybe I'm being punished for not wanting a child all these years. But one morning, after six months of trying, I find myself slumped over the toilet, sick to my stomach.

At first Peeta thinks I'm coming down with the flu and he looks at me with worried eyes and asks if I want him to stay home with me.

"I don't have the flu, Peeta! I'm pregnant" The words come out a bit more frustrated than I intended.

Peeta's eyes light up so bright, I don't think I've ever seen him this happy.

Haymitch finds out when he walks into the house a few days later and I'm in the downstairs bathroom, sick again.

"Damn sweetheart, thought you'd be over that bug by now. You sure you're not knocked up?" he asks and I give him a look that could make flies drop.

"Oh…you ARE pregnant?" he asks and my silence confirms it.

"Peeta finally managed to convince you huh?" he says chuckling.

And that's all it takes for me to receive a visit from Greasy Sae who gives me a list of things I shouldn't do along with a recipe for a morning sickness remedy.

I wait a few days before I finally call my mother.

"Katniss, I've been expecting your call, sweetie. How are you?"

"Alright…who told you?"

"Oh, never mind that! I'm so happy for you, baby."

"Thanks." I say and she must sense the tension in my voice.

"Katniss, don't worry, you will be a wonderful mother."

"What if I'm not? What if I'm so damaged I can't love it?"

"The moment you feel that baby move, you will love it." She says.

And she is completely right, the moment I feel my baby kick against my stomach fills me with so much fear. Fear that someday something bad will happen to it and I won't be able to save it. That's when I know I will do anything for this baby; I'd die for this baby, and that is how I know I love it.

I begin to have contractions a month early and Greasy Sae, who spends the day with me while Peeta works at the bakery, calls for the doctor.

When the doctor arrives, I hear Haymitch's voice downstairs. Greasy Sae reads the questions written on my face,

"We've called Peeta, he's on his way." She reassures me as a wave of pain rolls through me and I bite my lip to keep from yelling out.

"Katniss looks like your baby is ready to meet you." The doctor says and the smile on his face does nothing to ease the anxiety and fear that washes over me and makes me forget the pain I'm feeling.

"What? But it's not time yet. It isn't time yet…" I say not bothering to hide the panic in my voice.

"We know that Katniss, but your baby doesn't and he...or she…is ready."

"I'm here, what's happening?" I hear Peeta's voice before I see him burst through the door. He looks flushed and out of breath, he must have run as fast as his prosthetic leg allowed him.

I extend my hand out for him to hold it. I need to feel the security his touch brings me.

"The baby's coming" I tell him before I feel another wave of pain and this time I can't keep myself from screaming out.

"Alright Katniss, looks like this next one will be it. You will feel the urge to push I want you to take a deep breath and push as hard as you can alright?"

I'm lost in thoughts of all the things that could go wrong until I feel Peeta squeeze my hand.

"Katniss, stay with me." He says.

"Always" I whisper as my eyes meet his.

The next moments pass in a blur as the last wave of pain comes and goes and I push as hard as I can, my eyes fixed on Peeta's the whole time.

We hear a small cry and the doctor asks Peeta if he would like to cut the umbilical cord. Peeta nods and I watch tears roll down his face when the doctor hands him our baby.

"It's a girl, Katniss." Peeta says bringing his lips to mine before he hands her to me.

Her brilliant blue eyes look up at me and I feel the fear I'd felt as I denied Peeta the joy of being a father, and later as I carried her in my womb, leave my body.

We name her Ember, like what was left of me after the war, the surviving part of the girl who was on fire.

The birth of our child is the only thing that can bring my mother back to District 12, and though I stress the fact that she doesn't have to make the trip, she makes it anyway.

She arrives a week after Ember's birth, tears fill her eyes as soon as she spots us at the train station.

"Oh, she is beautiful, Katniss!" she says.

She kisses me on the forehead and tells me how proud she is of me. How proud Prim and Father would be. I nod and hold back the tears that are welling in my eyes.

We watch as our little girl grows and two years later as I watch Peeta put Ember to bed I think of how hesitant I was to have her, and now I can't imagine ever being without her.

"Everything alright?" Peeta asks.

"I think…I think I'm going to stop taking my pills again." I tell him.

He gives me a look of surprise. I don't think he ever expected me to want another child.

"Katniss are you sure?"

I nod.

My second pregnancy is easier, but the fear isn't completely gone. Briar arrives on time and healthy. I see stormy gray eyes stare back at me when I hold him for the first time. Ember is absolutely mesmerized by her baby brother and proceeds to climb on the bed with me and place a kiss on the baby's forehead.

"Mama, he has your eyes." She says smiling.

"He does. And whose eyes do you have, baby?"

"Papa's!" she says a little too loud, making Briar stir.

I look at Ember and know that someday I will have to tell her why there are times her father breaks things, or holds on tightly to the back of a chair. Why I tell her to give him some space when those things happen. I will have to hell her why there are days when "mama is sad." And why there are nights when I wake up screaming my sister's name. But for now I watch Peeta and Ember as they stare in amazement at the baby in my arms, and I know things will be fine as long as we are together.

**AN: I'm always looking for prompts and suggestions so if you have a suggestion or request for a story don't hesitate to contact me!  
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**XO,**

**ANA**


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